Friday, August 20, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
An Ugly Pair of Shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Heavy
Well it turns out the excitement is going to be short lived here. After careful consideration, I have decided to stop my meds and not go forward with IVF at this time.
It turns out that I have a freakish sensitivity to the medication that I am taking and it has sent me into a downward spiral that I am not willing to stay in. I've had about 8 of the 10 side effects that are listed and when I called the doctor to tell them about it, they were shocked. Most patients have zero side effects.
The main side effect that I'm concerned about is depression. While I don't feel like I'm in a "deep dark place" I do see that I am void of feeling anything. When you're in a place like that, it's hard to remember what you're fighting for.
With that being said, I don't think this is the right time for bringing a child into the equation. If I had known this would happen, I could have pumped myself up enough to work through it. This has really blindsided us and I think we need to take a step back and see what happens after this medicine runs out of my system. Then we can decide if we want to try again.
I thank you all so much for your support. We couldn't walk any of this road without it. I do ask you however to please not press us about this issue. I'm not really in a place where I want to talk about it further and I will let you know when I am.
In spite of all this "heaviness", we do have some positive news on the horizon. We have signed a contract to have a house built and they have already broken ground. Things are moving along smoothly so far and we are glad to be moving forward with this part of our future.
It turns out that I have a freakish sensitivity to the medication that I am taking and it has sent me into a downward spiral that I am not willing to stay in. I've had about 8 of the 10 side effects that are listed and when I called the doctor to tell them about it, they were shocked. Most patients have zero side effects.
The main side effect that I'm concerned about is depression. While I don't feel like I'm in a "deep dark place" I do see that I am void of feeling anything. When you're in a place like that, it's hard to remember what you're fighting for.
With that being said, I don't think this is the right time for bringing a child into the equation. If I had known this would happen, I could have pumped myself up enough to work through it. This has really blindsided us and I think we need to take a step back and see what happens after this medicine runs out of my system. Then we can decide if we want to try again.
I thank you all so much for your support. We couldn't walk any of this road without it. I do ask you however to please not press us about this issue. I'm not really in a place where I want to talk about it further and I will let you know when I am.
In spite of all this "heaviness", we do have some positive news on the horizon. We have signed a contract to have a house built and they have already broken ground. Things are moving along smoothly so far and we are glad to be moving forward with this part of our future.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Day 3
Well I got a letter in the mail today from the clinic requesting insurance approval for us to go through this cycle. I wasn't prepared to have to provide this information (I don't know why I wasn't) but I have to have a written consent in before the 6th so we can continue with the transfer.
Last time I think it took about two weeks for my consent to come in and this time I'll have to have it in one week! Please pray that we can get cooperation from the insurance company so we don't have to wait another month.
On a different note, I'm so sad to report that Baby Matthew passed away this afternoon. I still praise God for the miracle that he is because he exceeded all the doctor's expectations. His mother got to feed him, bathe him, change him and love on him for two days and that is more than she ever dreamed she would get. Please keep this family in your prayers as they face difficult days ahead. Pray that God would give them the grace to do what they have to do and pray that God will give peace to Matthew's big sister.
Last time I think it took about two weeks for my consent to come in and this time I'll have to have it in one week! Please pray that we can get cooperation from the insurance company so we don't have to wait another month.
On a different note, I'm so sad to report that Baby Matthew passed away this afternoon. I still praise God for the miracle that he is because he exceeded all the doctor's expectations. His mother got to feed him, bathe him, change him and love on him for two days and that is more than she ever dreamed she would get. Please keep this family in your prayers as they face difficult days ahead. Pray that God would give them the grace to do what they have to do and pray that God will give peace to Matthew's big sister.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Day 2-Details
***UPDATE***************************************************************
I am so happy to report that a miracle has occurred today!!! My friend Angie, that I asked for everyone to pray for, delivered baby Matthew this morning by c-section and he is alive and breathing on his own! We don't know all the details yet but we do know that the doctors never expected that his lungs would be developed and not only is he breathing but he cried when he born (they said he wouldn't do that either). Please continue to pray for Matthew. He is truly a living miracle!
************************************************************************************
I'm excited to give you the details as Steve and I begin this new journey to parenthood!
We have been trying to decide for a while now if this was a process we were comfortable with doing again. After Lila and Cole were born, our doctors told us to wait awhile and let my body heal before we tried again. That was fine with me. When we decided that we were in a place where we could think about being pregnant again, we just tried on our own. When many months had passed, I spoke to all three of my doctors and they all agreed that we should try IVF again.
Fortunately we have some embryos frozen from our last IVF attempt so we don't have to go through near the extreme that we did before. Specifically...no more shots!
This cycle will only consist of oral medication, an ultrasound and some bloodwork. That's it:) I'm scheduled to go on July 6th for my ultrasound and then maybe the embryo transfer will be on the 12th. And then we'll have another two week wait to see if it worked.
We are very excited to take this step forward to grow our family and we are so appreciate of the excitement we've already received from others. Support is the best and most important gift for us as we walk this road again and we are so lucky to be able to receive it from so many people!
I would like to end this post with a prayer request for my friend, Angie. Today she will have to deliver her son, Matthew, whom the doctors say will not survive after he is born. Angie has carried Matthew full term and was asked to abort him on more than one occasion as they thought he might not even survive in the womb. They told her that she might not be able to carry him past 31 weeks. But we've prayed for a miracle and not only has she carried him well past 31 weeks...he is still alive.
She has asked us to pray that she will be able to have time with Matthew before he goes to Heaven. She also asked that we pray for her three year old daughter as she doesn't comprehend why her brother can't stay here with her. If you are reading this blog then you will remember walking this road with us before and how very difficult it will be for Angie. I'm sure she will appreciate prayers from people who know how this feels.
I am so happy to report that a miracle has occurred today!!! My friend Angie, that I asked for everyone to pray for, delivered baby Matthew this morning by c-section and he is alive and breathing on his own! We don't know all the details yet but we do know that the doctors never expected that his lungs would be developed and not only is he breathing but he cried when he born (they said he wouldn't do that either). Please continue to pray for Matthew. He is truly a living miracle!
************************************************************************************
I'm excited to give you the details as Steve and I begin this new journey to parenthood!
We have been trying to decide for a while now if this was a process we were comfortable with doing again. After Lila and Cole were born, our doctors told us to wait awhile and let my body heal before we tried again. That was fine with me. When we decided that we were in a place where we could think about being pregnant again, we just tried on our own. When many months had passed, I spoke to all three of my doctors and they all agreed that we should try IVF again.
Fortunately we have some embryos frozen from our last IVF attempt so we don't have to go through near the extreme that we did before. Specifically...no more shots!
This cycle will only consist of oral medication, an ultrasound and some bloodwork. That's it:) I'm scheduled to go on July 6th for my ultrasound and then maybe the embryo transfer will be on the 12th. And then we'll have another two week wait to see if it worked.
We are very excited to take this step forward to grow our family and we are so appreciate of the excitement we've already received from others. Support is the best and most important gift for us as we walk this road again and we are so lucky to be able to receive it from so many people!
I would like to end this post with a prayer request for my friend, Angie. Today she will have to deliver her son, Matthew, whom the doctors say will not survive after he is born. Angie has carried Matthew full term and was asked to abort him on more than one occasion as they thought he might not even survive in the womb. They told her that she might not be able to carry him past 31 weeks. But we've prayed for a miracle and not only has she carried him well past 31 weeks...he is still alive.
She has asked us to pray that she will be able to have time with Matthew before he goes to Heaven. She also asked that we pray for her three year old daughter as she doesn't comprehend why her brother can't stay here with her. If you are reading this blog then you will remember walking this road with us before and how very difficult it will be for Angie. I'm sure she will appreciate prayers from people who know how this feels.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tiny white box
I parked my car and began to walk down the hill of freshly cut grass as I always do the last Wednesday of every month. I intertwine between the bunches of flowers as I step so carefully around each precious name. I look for mom and other familiar faces as they have already began to pray. And as I made my way into the sacred circle of broken mothers, that's when I saw it. A tiny white box.
I gasped. The heat already made it hard to breathe. There was no separation between our sweat and tears. But this gasp was not because of that. It was because of a memory, an emotion, that I wasn't prepared to revisit. I then looked to my right and saw another trigger. It was the woman who last held my children.
I grieve for Lila and Cole everyday. Going to the cemetery once a month for the blessing of the babies is not something that I do so that I can cry and be sad. A lot of times I don't cry. I go to honor them. Because I'm their Mom and that's one of the only things I can do for them. I go to tend their grave and talk to them and visit with new friends that I've had the unfortunate opportunity to meet.
With each new friend I hear a different story. It's heartbreaking how many different ways there are to lose a child. I've recently made a new friend that ironically I've known my whole life. Relatives made us acquaintances-Our babies made us friends. I hear her talk about her son who is still swimming inside her, safely tucked away from our world. The doctors think he can't survive here. Our faith thinks something different.
I cherish these new friendships and the insight into this world that I never knew existed. But I still can't understand why we're here. Why do we all have to know each other? Out of the mouth of a child from this woman's blog I have to ask myself the same question........
"Why do little babies end up in boxes?"
As we made our way to each of our children's graves, we finally came to the tiny white box. We said a prayer while his sister searched for the perfect blue flower to hold. I can't help but think "how can your whole world fit into something so small?". His parents drove away but I linger, just as someone lingered for us. Waiting to make sure he's safe and sound in his new resting place.
Everyone had left and I was alone with my children. I admire the lovely flowers left by their Grammi. They are always surrounded with so much love.
That night I looked at a picture of my little Lila.
I realize, my world fits into something that small.
I gasped. The heat already made it hard to breathe. There was no separation between our sweat and tears. But this gasp was not because of that. It was because of a memory, an emotion, that I wasn't prepared to revisit. I then looked to my right and saw another trigger. It was the woman who last held my children.
I grieve for Lila and Cole everyday. Going to the cemetery once a month for the blessing of the babies is not something that I do so that I can cry and be sad. A lot of times I don't cry. I go to honor them. Because I'm their Mom and that's one of the only things I can do for them. I go to tend their grave and talk to them and visit with new friends that I've had the unfortunate opportunity to meet.
With each new friend I hear a different story. It's heartbreaking how many different ways there are to lose a child. I've recently made a new friend that ironically I've known my whole life. Relatives made us acquaintances-Our babies made us friends. I hear her talk about her son who is still swimming inside her, safely tucked away from our world. The doctors think he can't survive here. Our faith thinks something different.
I cherish these new friendships and the insight into this world that I never knew existed. But I still can't understand why we're here. Why do we all have to know each other? Out of the mouth of a child from this woman's blog I have to ask myself the same question........
"Why do little babies end up in boxes?"
As we made our way to each of our children's graves, we finally came to the tiny white box. We said a prayer while his sister searched for the perfect blue flower to hold. I can't help but think "how can your whole world fit into something so small?". His parents drove away but I linger, just as someone lingered for us. Waiting to make sure he's safe and sound in his new resting place.
Everyone had left and I was alone with my children. I admire the lovely flowers left by their Grammi. They are always surrounded with so much love.
That night I looked at a picture of my little Lila.
I realize, my world fits into something that small.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
March for Babies Recap
We had our March for Babies walk on Saturday and we had the best time!
We were greeted with beautiful weather and a great turnout. The walk has really grown since I participated the year before last. They had a much larger group of walkers and so many activities for everyone.
And now I can finally reveal our tshirt design......
We didn't come in first but I believe we were a very close second. The winner was a toddler who scribbled on a shirt and, well, you really can't beat that. But we got a great response from other people at the walk so I think we did a great job!
I was so proud to be a part of this and so amazed at the support we received from our family, friends and people we don't even know.
Our grand total of donations ended up at $1670.00!!! If we add that to the total from the virtual band that was set up on this blog for the March of Dimes right after Lila & Cole were born then altogether we've raised $1995.00 (only $5 away from our goal of $2000!!!)
I just can't say enough how important this cause is for us. We truly do hope that one day all babies will born full term and healthy and we are proud that our children are a part of making that happen.
And now,
so are all of you.
We were greeted with beautiful weather and a great turnout. The walk has really grown since I participated the year before last. They had a much larger group of walkers and so many activities for everyone.
And now I can finally reveal our tshirt design......
We didn't come in first but I believe we were a very close second. The winner was a toddler who scribbled on a shirt and, well, you really can't beat that. But we got a great response from other people at the walk so I think we did a great job!
I was so proud to be a part of this and so amazed at the support we received from our family, friends and people we don't even know.
Our grand total of donations ended up at $1670.00!!! If we add that to the total from the virtual band that was set up on this blog for the March of Dimes right after Lila & Cole were born then altogether we've raised $1995.00 (only $5 away from our goal of $2000!!!)
I just can't say enough how important this cause is for us. We truly do hope that one day all babies will born full term and healthy and we are proud that our children are a part of making that happen.
And now,
so are all of you.
Monday, May 3, 2010
March for Babies update
***UPDATE***
I haven't been able to enter it all into the site yet, but we have hit the $1000 mark already this morning!
WooHoo!
Let's keep it up!!!!
Original Post:
It's the last week before the walk and I am so excited that we have raised over $900 so far for the March of Dimes! Let's see if we can get to $1000 by the end of the week.
I will be turning in the donations I have collected so far on Thursday to the March of Dimes office so if you want to send me a last minute donation then please do so now or you may donate online on our website at www.marchforbabies.org/team/teamyager.
Also, if you have ordered a tshirt then please call or email me this week so I can get it to you by this weekend. Anyone who cannot meet up with me before this Saturday will receive their shirt at the walk.
Thank you all for your support and I look forward to hitting that $1000 mark!
I haven't been able to enter it all into the site yet, but we have hit the $1000 mark already this morning!
WooHoo!
Let's keep it up!!!!
Original Post:
It's the last week before the walk and I am so excited that we have raised over $900 so far for the March of Dimes! Let's see if we can get to $1000 by the end of the week.
I will be turning in the donations I have collected so far on Thursday to the March of Dimes office so if you want to send me a last minute donation then please do so now or you may donate online on our website at www.marchforbabies.org/team/teamyager.
Also, if you have ordered a tshirt then please call or email me this week so I can get it to you by this weekend. Anyone who cannot meet up with me before this Saturday will receive their shirt at the walk.
Thank you all for your support and I look forward to hitting that $1000 mark!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I'm Still Here....
I apologize if I've left anyone hanging but I've taken a much needed break from blogging. Sometimes you just need to be where you are without analyzing it too much.
So where am I now you ask? I'm a little all over the place so this post may seem the same way:)
I still miss my babies like crazy and I still question my faith everyday. I do feel like I had a breakthrough one night last week as I read a long awaited book that finally came out and it walked me through some emotions I hadn't visited in a while.
It also walked me through some conversations with God I hadn't had in a while. I think that was the nicest part about it. If you or someone you know has ever dealt with the death of a child, you have to read this book.
I'm trying really hard to balance work and my personal life. Sometimes there is no line drawn between the two. I'm focusing on keeping a strict schedule so that I don't overcommit or run myself into the ground. It's going pretty well but I still need to keep at it. I've realized that I am using work as a way to validate myself and justify my purpose. Part of me feels like I failed my family when I lost Lila & Cole and I use my work as a place to succeed. By doing this, I'm only setting myself up to fail again. Because at the end of the day, work is not what is most important. And my customer's opinion of me is not more valuable than my husband's.
Something exciting that happened this past weekend is that Steve and I became godparents!
We were so honored when we were asked to be Lucas' godparents and it is not a title that we will take lightly.
Lucas was born just a couple months after Lila & Cole were born and we were still very raw. I wasn't sure how I would feel when he got here and I was very nervous to face those emotions. I have to tell you that God prepared my heart and has used Lucas as a way to help us heal. As soon as we laid eyes on him, we instantly fell in love with him and I think Steve and I both feel a special bond that has helped fill a void in us. It's not so much that we feel that we've transferred our love for our children to him, but more that we feel a happiness and a hope when we're with him. And for two parents who buried their babies to feel that way about someone else's child I think is a big deal.
Sometimes I muddle through my day and feel so stuck in this "place" that we're in. We don't seem to moving forward in any direction in our lives. We still don't have a home. We don't know where we stand with my fertility and we just don't seem to be working towards anything. I wonder sometimes if God forgot about me.
Life was so fast paced this time last year and He seemed to appear everywhere to me. Now, He seems so far away. I guess He is sometimes because that's exactly where I put Him. But then I convict myself. Because I know better. And I'll pray and He will do some little thing to let me know, "I'm still here". Whether it be a cross in the clouds when I asked for a sign or by having a little girl by the name of "Lyla" be baptized on the same day as Lucas.
All it takes is for me to let Him know "I'm still here" and He reveals himself. Because He will never leave us or forsake us, even when we do it to Him.
So where am I now you ask? I'm a little all over the place so this post may seem the same way:)
I still miss my babies like crazy and I still question my faith everyday. I do feel like I had a breakthrough one night last week as I read a long awaited book that finally came out and it walked me through some emotions I hadn't visited in a while.
It also walked me through some conversations with God I hadn't had in a while. I think that was the nicest part about it. If you or someone you know has ever dealt with the death of a child, you have to read this book.
I'm trying really hard to balance work and my personal life. Sometimes there is no line drawn between the two. I'm focusing on keeping a strict schedule so that I don't overcommit or run myself into the ground. It's going pretty well but I still need to keep at it. I've realized that I am using work as a way to validate myself and justify my purpose. Part of me feels like I failed my family when I lost Lila & Cole and I use my work as a place to succeed. By doing this, I'm only setting myself up to fail again. Because at the end of the day, work is not what is most important. And my customer's opinion of me is not more valuable than my husband's.
Something exciting that happened this past weekend is that Steve and I became godparents!
We were so honored when we were asked to be Lucas' godparents and it is not a title that we will take lightly.
Lucas was born just a couple months after Lila & Cole were born and we were still very raw. I wasn't sure how I would feel when he got here and I was very nervous to face those emotions. I have to tell you that God prepared my heart and has used Lucas as a way to help us heal. As soon as we laid eyes on him, we instantly fell in love with him and I think Steve and I both feel a special bond that has helped fill a void in us. It's not so much that we feel that we've transferred our love for our children to him, but more that we feel a happiness and a hope when we're with him. And for two parents who buried their babies to feel that way about someone else's child I think is a big deal.
Sometimes I muddle through my day and feel so stuck in this "place" that we're in. We don't seem to moving forward in any direction in our lives. We still don't have a home. We don't know where we stand with my fertility and we just don't seem to be working towards anything. I wonder sometimes if God forgot about me.
Life was so fast paced this time last year and He seemed to appear everywhere to me. Now, He seems so far away. I guess He is sometimes because that's exactly where I put Him. But then I convict myself. Because I know better. And I'll pray and He will do some little thing to let me know, "I'm still here". Whether it be a cross in the clouds when I asked for a sign or by having a little girl by the name of "Lyla" be baptized on the same day as Lucas.
All it takes is for me to let Him know "I'm still here" and He reveals himself. Because He will never leave us or forsake us, even when we do it to Him.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Free Therapy
I finally got a chance to visit with my counselor last week for the first time in a couple months. I've been meaning to make an appointment but I let life get in the way. I didn't think I could afford the time to go. After I went I realized, I couldn't afford not to.
As you know, I had been struggling through this six month mark for awhile. Well something occurred last week that really hit me. Hard. My cousin, Deaven, had an accident 17 months ago and miraculously survived. However, he survived with a brain injury that tremendously altered his quality of life. The doctors didn't think he would survive the days after his accident but he did. There were several occasions where they didn't see hope for him but then he would pull through. I just knew in my heart, God had a plan for him. It wasn't his time yet. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that he would just wake up and be as he was.
Well last week, God decided that it was Deaven's time. I got to see him the day his feeding tube was removed. I told him I loved him and I longed to give him a message for my babies but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Because I didn't want to give up on a miracle. I was devastated. Overly devastated. I felt like I was overreacting. Deaven and I hadn't seen each other in years. We were closer as kids and even then we didn't see each other often. But then I realized, my heart was broken for his mother. I couldn't bear to see someone else bury their child.
Ironically, I had my counseling session scheduled for right in the middle of Deaven's funeral. I rescheduled for two days later and I poured my heart out and looked for answers. This is what I learned.
I learned that I just relived the process of planning a funeral for my kids. I learned that I prayed for a miracle for Deaven the same way I prayed for Lila & Cole. And I was disappointed both times. I learned that I cannot sit on God's lap right now but only sit right beside Him. Because I don't trust Him like I used to. And I learned that was ok. Because He will never leave us or forsake us. Even when we do it to Him.
I learned that I am the one putting the pressure on myself and I've got to tell Sara to "shut up!". If I keep setting the bar too high, I will continue to fail myself.
I learned that I carry this burden but it has softened my heart.
As easy as these things sound now, I couldn't put it together before. Maybe those are answers for someone else reading this too. And if it is, I won't charge you the $85:)
As you know, I had been struggling through this six month mark for awhile. Well something occurred last week that really hit me. Hard. My cousin, Deaven, had an accident 17 months ago and miraculously survived. However, he survived with a brain injury that tremendously altered his quality of life. The doctors didn't think he would survive the days after his accident but he did. There were several occasions where they didn't see hope for him but then he would pull through. I just knew in my heart, God had a plan for him. It wasn't his time yet. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that he would just wake up and be as he was.
Well last week, God decided that it was Deaven's time. I got to see him the day his feeding tube was removed. I told him I loved him and I longed to give him a message for my babies but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Because I didn't want to give up on a miracle. I was devastated. Overly devastated. I felt like I was overreacting. Deaven and I hadn't seen each other in years. We were closer as kids and even then we didn't see each other often. But then I realized, my heart was broken for his mother. I couldn't bear to see someone else bury their child.
Ironically, I had my counseling session scheduled for right in the middle of Deaven's funeral. I rescheduled for two days later and I poured my heart out and looked for answers. This is what I learned.
I learned that I just relived the process of planning a funeral for my kids. I learned that I prayed for a miracle for Deaven the same way I prayed for Lila & Cole. And I was disappointed both times. I learned that I cannot sit on God's lap right now but only sit right beside Him. Because I don't trust Him like I used to. And I learned that was ok. Because He will never leave us or forsake us. Even when we do it to Him.
I learned that I am the one putting the pressure on myself and I've got to tell Sara to "shut up!". If I keep setting the bar too high, I will continue to fail myself.
I learned that I carry this burden but it has softened my heart.
As easy as these things sound now, I couldn't put it together before. Maybe those are answers for someone else reading this too. And if it is, I won't charge you the $85:)
Monday, March 1, 2010
Struggling
I'm back! I know I've gone longer than I like between posts this time but it couldn't be avoided.
Just a couple months ago, I complained about not having enough work to do at my job. Well ask and you shall receive! I've been so overloaded that I've had to work the last few weekends and late nights for the past week and half. And there are no signs of slowing down.
I'm going to be real honest today. I am struggling. It has been six months now and I feel like I am just hitting a wall. I remember my counselor telling us in the beginning that people going through grief have set backs around 3,6,& 9 months. Three months I was still hurting so much I don't think it affected me as much but six months is kicking my butt.
I cry as I drive myself into work several times a week. I feel so overwhelmed by any task I have to complete. I get so down on myself because I'm just too exhausted to lose these last 10 pounds and I have to wear the same three outfits every week. I feel like I have nothing some days because we still don't have a house, I have all this work to do but I still am not closing very many sales which means I don't get a paycheck and I don't have my babies.
I do realize that there are many things to be thankful for. I'm so blessed to have parents that have welcomed us with open arms to live in their home until we find one. I have wonderful in-laws who send us cards and always remind us that our children are not forgotten and I have a wonderful husband who walks this path with me every single day.
But I guess that's what depression does to us. It only reminds us of the bad. I need reminders of the good. I feel like I'm losing my fight. I just really feel lost and I don't feel strong, I feel broken.
So what now? I know most of the times I can answer my own questions but this time I can't. I don't know what God's plan is for us. I wish so much I could look into the future so I can just start doing what I'm supposed to do. I wish I had a clear direction right now, but that's not the way it works.
So I guess we wait. And we grieve. And we try to pass on the giant snickerdoodle cookie before church so we can lose the 10 pounds.
And if you ask me, all of those options stink.
Just a couple months ago, I complained about not having enough work to do at my job. Well ask and you shall receive! I've been so overloaded that I've had to work the last few weekends and late nights for the past week and half. And there are no signs of slowing down.
I'm going to be real honest today. I am struggling. It has been six months now and I feel like I am just hitting a wall. I remember my counselor telling us in the beginning that people going through grief have set backs around 3,6,& 9 months. Three months I was still hurting so much I don't think it affected me as much but six months is kicking my butt.
I cry as I drive myself into work several times a week. I feel so overwhelmed by any task I have to complete. I get so down on myself because I'm just too exhausted to lose these last 10 pounds and I have to wear the same three outfits every week. I feel like I have nothing some days because we still don't have a house, I have all this work to do but I still am not closing very many sales which means I don't get a paycheck and I don't have my babies.
I do realize that there are many things to be thankful for. I'm so blessed to have parents that have welcomed us with open arms to live in their home until we find one. I have wonderful in-laws who send us cards and always remind us that our children are not forgotten and I have a wonderful husband who walks this path with me every single day.
But I guess that's what depression does to us. It only reminds us of the bad. I need reminders of the good. I feel like I'm losing my fight. I just really feel lost and I don't feel strong, I feel broken.
So what now? I know most of the times I can answer my own questions but this time I can't. I don't know what God's plan is for us. I wish so much I could look into the future so I can just start doing what I'm supposed to do. I wish I had a clear direction right now, but that's not the way it works.
So I guess we wait. And we grieve. And we try to pass on the giant snickerdoodle cookie before church so we can lose the 10 pounds.
And if you ask me, all of those options stink.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Show us Your Life
Today I am participating in Kelly's Korner: Show us your Life.
This wonderful world of blogging has not only helped me keep communication with my family and friends, it has also help me talk through my situations and find others who are going through some of the same things.
I have been ministered to by so many people through their blogs. Most of them don't even know I'm reading and have no idea how much they've helped me. It's just as simple as them telling their story and letting me follow along the way. I hope I am doing that for someone else as well.
If this is your first visit to my blog then Welcome! My name is Sara and this is our story:
My husband and I began trying to start a family five years ago. After a long year of trying, I finally became pregnant! We had one wonderful day of bliss. Then came several weeks of doctors appointments and blood tests, each time them telling me I was losing my baby. Eventually an ultrasound confirmed we had an ectopic pregnancy. I went through a series of methotrexate shots which dissolved the pregnancy. We thought that was the hardest thing we had gone through. But that's really only where our journey began...
Throughout the next few years, we continued trying to conceive naturally with no success and finally decided to take the next step to see a fertility specialist. We seem to have unexplained infertility. Since having a history of ectopic pregnancy, nobody would perform an IUI. Our next resort was IVF. We prayed over this decision and waited almost a year before we decided to go for it.
As we began our journey of IVF, we started this blog and included our family and friends in the process(One of best decisions we made!). We ended up harvesting 32 eggs and I had major hyperstimulation of my ovaries. We had our embryo transfer on our 6th wedding anniversary and we couldn't had been happier to celebrate our marriage that way.
Soon after the transfer, complications from the hyperstimulation landed me in the emergency room. That is when we found out that we were indeed pregnant!. It was confirmed a couple days later by our doctor, on my husbands birthday:)
A week or so later, we had our final ultrasound with our fertility doctor and were overjoyed to find out that we were having twins:) They would be named Lila & Cole. The next four months of pregnancy weren't without their obstacles, but nothing too bad we couldn't handle.
Then on August 20, 2009, at 22 weeks and on the day of a routine doctor appointment, my water broke. (You can read up on the events of that day here). Lila's heart had stopped beating and I had to deliver her. Cole was still doing fine but, their placentas were attached so 3 hours later he was also born.
We then went through the grueling process of planning an unexpected funeral for our babies. My heart goes out to anyone who has to go through that. We immediately signed up with a grief counselor at our church and even now, six months later, we still pop in for sessions.
We are learning every day what our "new normal" is. This journey is different for everyone. I'd never dealt with grief in this capacity before and it is slowly becoming my friend. In a good way. In a way that I'm learning how to miss my babies and reintegrate myself back into living.
We have waited a reasonable amount of time, at the suggestion of our doctors, before trying to conceive again. We have four frozen embryos left from our IVF but we are not going to pursue to use them at this time.
We would like to start trying again to grow our family and we could use every prayer we can get! We know this new journey will not be without hesitation or lack of patience. I pray for these virtues often but I am human and don't want to present myself as the "invincible woman". I am far from that. But I do believe in a God who is healing, loving, patient and invincible. And He has carried us this far, and He's not finished with me yet!
There are many gaps in this story and you are more than welcome to "catch up" with us by reading our older posts. We have learned so many things through our experiences and we hope to not "waste" it. I have a heart for people suffering through infertility and loss like never before. We know that God had a purpose with our children's lives and we are constantly looking for ways to fulfill that. I hope that our story can make other Mothers (or mothers in waiting) not feel so lonely in their struggle. I hope our story is one of hope and encouragement.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11
I want to send out a huge THANK YOU to all the bloggers out there who haved shared their struggles and their joys.
And Kelly Stamps, if you have made your way to reading this post, I want to say again, Thank You for following God's purpose for your life. You have such a heart for women, especially those with infertility, and you have encouraged me and prayed for me and I am genuinely grateful for that!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Happy Valentine's Day
Steve has outdone himself again.
For the past few years, instead of going out to dinner on Valentine's Day, we stay in and Steve surprises me with his culinary expertise.
You might remember the wonderful dinner he made for us last year that featured crab legs as the main course. He told me that he made that because he knew how much I loved crab legs. I proceeded to tell him that, although that is very sweet, I have in fact never had a crab leg before and that they are actually my sister in law Tasha's favorite dish. Meanwhile, the crab legs were very good and now I can add them to my list of dishes I like.
Well this year, he succeeded in making one of my favorite dishes. We had lobster tails mixed with crab meat, asparagus and red potatoes.
I have to say, that was one of the best dinners I have ever had and there is no way I could have gone out and paid $100 for a meal and it be better than what he cooked. I asked him why he doesn't cook things like that for us all the time!
He wrapped up the meal by surprising me with Bananas Foster.
Let me tell you, this is not an easy dessert to pull off. Evidently the rum he added was not very flammable (somehow the picture makes it seem way more elaborate than what the pitiful flame actually was)so we ended up starting over and leaving out the rum. So I guess it turns out we had banana sundaes. Either way, it was a perfect dinner.
Switching gears now.
So, speaking of my sister in law, Tasha, we have some exciting news to share. I am pleased to announce that her and my brother, Chris, are expecting a new addition to their family! I've already told them that they will have a little girl and she will be sweet just like her momma.
Tasha has been a wonderful sister to me and I don't think my brother could have picked a more perfect person to be his wife. My dad will tell you that Chris definitely overmarried:) I'm so glad that she now gets to add "loving mother" to this list. My brother has a 19 year old son, Shawn, so needless to say, he is out of practice!
We are so excited for this little one to make it's way into our hearts. And while it doesn't fill the void of what we all are missing, it does remind us that life begins again and it is a wonderful blessing for our family.
For the past few years, instead of going out to dinner on Valentine's Day, we stay in and Steve surprises me with his culinary expertise.
You might remember the wonderful dinner he made for us last year that featured crab legs as the main course. He told me that he made that because he knew how much I loved crab legs. I proceeded to tell him that, although that is very sweet, I have in fact never had a crab leg before and that they are actually my sister in law Tasha's favorite dish. Meanwhile, the crab legs were very good and now I can add them to my list of dishes I like.
Well this year, he succeeded in making one of my favorite dishes. We had lobster tails mixed with crab meat, asparagus and red potatoes.
I have to say, that was one of the best dinners I have ever had and there is no way I could have gone out and paid $100 for a meal and it be better than what he cooked. I asked him why he doesn't cook things like that for us all the time!He wrapped up the meal by surprising me with Bananas Foster.
Let me tell you, this is not an easy dessert to pull off. Evidently the rum he added was not very flammable (somehow the picture makes it seem way more elaborate than what the pitiful flame actually was)so we ended up starting over and leaving out the rum. So I guess it turns out we had banana sundaes. Either way, it was a perfect dinner.
Switching gears now.
So, speaking of my sister in law, Tasha, we have some exciting news to share. I am pleased to announce that her and my brother, Chris, are expecting a new addition to their family! I've already told them that they will have a little girl and she will be sweet just like her momma.
Tasha has been a wonderful sister to me and I don't think my brother could have picked a more perfect person to be his wife. My dad will tell you that Chris definitely overmarried:) I'm so glad that she now gets to add "loving mother" to this list. My brother has a 19 year old son, Shawn, so needless to say, he is out of practice!
We are so excited for this little one to make it's way into our hearts. And while it doesn't fill the void of what we all are missing, it does remind us that life begins again and it is a wonderful blessing for our family.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
March for Babies
You may have noticed on the sidebar of our blog, a link to the March of Dimes that says "Join Our Team". We have decided to start our own Family Team this year for the March for Babies!
We have participated in this walk before with my friend Candice. She has a cutie of a daughter named Nataly who was born premature. Because of the great research and awareness the March of Dimes has, we are celebrating a very healthy Nataly's birthday this week:)
You all know that this organization is very dear to my heart because we too had premature babies who didn't get the chance to fight. But prematurity has hit close to home long before now. I've had several family members who were born early but especially one that I now call my sister.
Hannah was born at almost 25 weeks at 1 pound 6 ounces. She fought so hard and I'm sure there medical advances that were funded by the March of Dimes that helped her in her fight. I met Hannah when she was three years old and, although I wasn't there when she was born, I feel like I've relived the experience to some degree through pictures and stories from our family. And with my experience as well, I look at her today and realize what a "miracle" she is.
You all have been so generous in your donations that have been made over these past few months. I want to assure you that these donations are not something that I take lightly. It's not just a gesture to me. More, it's a statement. By your gift I feel like you are saying that Lila & Cole deserved a chance. And we are making a stand and saying "We are going to fight this"! So that next time, they will live.
All you have to do is click on the link on the sidebar and it will direct you to create a profile to be added to our team. It will ask what your personal fundraising goal is and you can leave that blank if you choose. Otherwise, the money you raise from your personal page will be added to the team's fund.
There are some details that I still need to sort out, like T-shirts, and also I would love some suggestions on a team name. Right now we are just listed as Team Lila & Cole. If you can think of something more creative that would define us, please, please send me your suggestions!
The walk will be on Saturday, May 8th at 9:00am at Slugger Field. That is Mother's Day weekend. I can't think of a better way to be a Mom than to fight for our children.
Please take a stand with us. We are raising money if you choose to support us that way, but it is not required. You are more than welcome to just walk with us. Come be with us and support us in any way you can.
We have participated in this walk before with my friend Candice. She has a cutie of a daughter named Nataly who was born premature. Because of the great research and awareness the March of Dimes has, we are celebrating a very healthy Nataly's birthday this week:)
You all know that this organization is very dear to my heart because we too had premature babies who didn't get the chance to fight. But prematurity has hit close to home long before now. I've had several family members who were born early but especially one that I now call my sister.
Hannah was born at almost 25 weeks at 1 pound 6 ounces. She fought so hard and I'm sure there medical advances that were funded by the March of Dimes that helped her in her fight. I met Hannah when she was three years old and, although I wasn't there when she was born, I feel like I've relived the experience to some degree through pictures and stories from our family. And with my experience as well, I look at her today and realize what a "miracle" she is.
You all have been so generous in your donations that have been made over these past few months. I want to assure you that these donations are not something that I take lightly. It's not just a gesture to me. More, it's a statement. By your gift I feel like you are saying that Lila & Cole deserved a chance. And we are making a stand and saying "We are going to fight this"! So that next time, they will live.
All you have to do is click on the link on the sidebar and it will direct you to create a profile to be added to our team. It will ask what your personal fundraising goal is and you can leave that blank if you choose. Otherwise, the money you raise from your personal page will be added to the team's fund.
There are some details that I still need to sort out, like T-shirts, and also I would love some suggestions on a team name. Right now we are just listed as Team Lila & Cole. If you can think of something more creative that would define us, please, please send me your suggestions!
The walk will be on Saturday, May 8th at 9:00am at Slugger Field. That is Mother's Day weekend. I can't think of a better way to be a Mom than to fight for our children.
Please take a stand with us. We are raising money if you choose to support us that way, but it is not required. You are more than welcome to just walk with us. Come be with us and support us in any way you can.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
What's your story?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and try something new here. This is something that has been on my mind for a while and I've had so many "signs" lately that are pushing me even harder to post this experiment.
I have felt so blessed that I've been able to share our story with so many people. It's amazing the amount of support and camaraderie that we've built with people from this experience. It's also amazing the amount of healing and prayer that we have received.
I think that there is a defining moment in all our lives that creates "Our Story". If someone would had asked me a year ago what "My Story" was, I would had said:
My husband and I lost a baby four years ago and we have been trying ever since to start a family. I struggle with infertility and self confidence. My story is one of loss, insecurity, faith and impatience.
And then came August 20th. And my story is forever changed.
So this is the deal. I want to know "Your Story". I want for everyone who reads this post to leave an ANONYMOUS comment and tell me "Your Story". No names means no indication to who it might be. There are people who read this that I don't know personally and I want everyone to have complete confidentiality so, if there are no names, I can 100% say I have no idea whose story belongs to who.
Your story might be happy or sad. It might be recent or old. It might even be the same as mine. Regardless, it's Yours and it matters.
I want to do this because I know what it means to share something with someone who, turns out, has been there too.
I want to do this because it has helped me heal to be able to share and I would love to pray for others who may need it as much as I do.
I want to do this because some stories have happy endings and some are so awesome that they need to be told.
Most importantly, I lived in a bubble for a long time and didn't realize how many different things people go through on a daily basis. After my babies died, I would be out somewhere in public and someone would be so rude or inconsiderate and I would think to myself, "They have no idea I just buried my babies". Now when I feel the urge to judge or be impatient with someone I have to tell myself "They could have just buried their babies too".
Obviously, there's no need for me to have anonymity so I'll go first:
I lost a baby five years ago and have been struggling with infertility and trying to start a family ever since. Steve and I went through the invitro process last year and were blessed with Lila & Cole. And at 22 weeks, on August 20, 2009, we lost them. My story is one of loss, joy, hope,faith and healing. My story is that God is doing a work in me and I hope to share this for His Glory.
So now you tell me, What's Your Story?
I have felt so blessed that I've been able to share our story with so many people. It's amazing the amount of support and camaraderie that we've built with people from this experience. It's also amazing the amount of healing and prayer that we have received.
I think that there is a defining moment in all our lives that creates "Our Story". If someone would had asked me a year ago what "My Story" was, I would had said:
My husband and I lost a baby four years ago and we have been trying ever since to start a family. I struggle with infertility and self confidence. My story is one of loss, insecurity, faith and impatience.
And then came August 20th. And my story is forever changed.
So this is the deal. I want to know "Your Story". I want for everyone who reads this post to leave an ANONYMOUS comment and tell me "Your Story". No names means no indication to who it might be. There are people who read this that I don't know personally and I want everyone to have complete confidentiality so, if there are no names, I can 100% say I have no idea whose story belongs to who.
Your story might be happy or sad. It might be recent or old. It might even be the same as mine. Regardless, it's Yours and it matters.
I want to do this because I know what it means to share something with someone who, turns out, has been there too.
I want to do this because it has helped me heal to be able to share and I would love to pray for others who may need it as much as I do.
I want to do this because some stories have happy endings and some are so awesome that they need to be told.
Most importantly, I lived in a bubble for a long time and didn't realize how many different things people go through on a daily basis. After my babies died, I would be out somewhere in public and someone would be so rude or inconsiderate and I would think to myself, "They have no idea I just buried my babies". Now when I feel the urge to judge or be impatient with someone I have to tell myself "They could have just buried their babies too".
Obviously, there's no need for me to have anonymity so I'll go first:
I lost a baby five years ago and have been struggling with infertility and trying to start a family ever since. Steve and I went through the invitro process last year and were blessed with Lila & Cole. And at 22 weeks, on August 20, 2009, we lost them. My story is one of loss, joy, hope,faith and healing. My story is that God is doing a work in me and I hope to share this for His Glory.
So now you tell me, What's Your Story?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
22 Weeks
Today is a milestone for us that many of you may not realize. Today is 22 weeks since our babies were born. After today, we will officially have been longer without them than we were with them.
Yesterday morning I was laying in bed thinking about the previous day. I had a busy day on Tuesday and I couldn't remember if I thought about Lila & Cole at all that day. I came just short of panicking because that is not something that I am ready for yet. I know that there will come a day when that will be the case, but I hope it's not a day that comes soon.
I feel like I'm slipping further and further away all the time. I used to go to the cemetery, without fail, at least once a week. Now I might stretch it to 10 days. I do, however, always go to the special blessing once a month Deacon Bob does at the cemetery unless I have been out of town.
Steve made a comment a while back that he thought "I was stuck in the moment of losing them." I admitted that I was stuck in that moment because that's where I was comfortable and that's where I felt closest to them. I miss that moment sometimes. I even miss that pain. As odd as that sounds, it's hard to move forward without them.
I have a couple of special necklaces that were given to me in honor of Lila & Cole and I always try to wear one of those or my March of Dimes bracelet everyday. As I laid there thinking yesterday, I remembered that I had worn my bracelet on Tuesday so I know that, if even for a moment, I did in fact think of my babies.
And I carried them in my heart and on my wrist that day.
Yesterday morning I was laying in bed thinking about the previous day. I had a busy day on Tuesday and I couldn't remember if I thought about Lila & Cole at all that day. I came just short of panicking because that is not something that I am ready for yet. I know that there will come a day when that will be the case, but I hope it's not a day that comes soon.
I feel like I'm slipping further and further away all the time. I used to go to the cemetery, without fail, at least once a week. Now I might stretch it to 10 days. I do, however, always go to the special blessing once a month Deacon Bob does at the cemetery unless I have been out of town.
Steve made a comment a while back that he thought "I was stuck in the moment of losing them." I admitted that I was stuck in that moment because that's where I was comfortable and that's where I felt closest to them. I miss that moment sometimes. I even miss that pain. As odd as that sounds, it's hard to move forward without them.
I have a couple of special necklaces that were given to me in honor of Lila & Cole and I always try to wear one of those or my March of Dimes bracelet everyday. As I laid there thinking yesterday, I remembered that I had worn my bracelet on Tuesday so I know that, if even for a moment, I did in fact think of my babies.
And I carried them in my heart and on my wrist that day.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
It's our Blogiversary!
One year ago today marked our very first blog post. I have said this a hundred times but I still can't believe how much life has changed in a year!
I'm so glad that we started this blog. It has blessed us so much and this year would had been insufficient without it. We've had the opportunity to document our lives with our twins and we've had the incredible support of so many people because of it.
I'm happy to be in a place where I wish to continue blogging. We started this to form a line of communication for family and friends but looking back, I think it ended up benefiting me more than anything. This is a place where I can be myself and sort out my feelings, all the while letting everyone else in on what's going on. Not to mention that I have Lila & Cole's lifetime of memories right on these pages and that in itself is Priceless.
I want to address everyone who complements my writing. That is hilarious to me that anyone would think I'm a good writer! I feel so un-eloquent with my words sometimes, but I'm learning. I also feel like I have such a hard time forming my thoughts into words during a conversation but, I guess when I can sit down for an hour and really think about what I want to say, it comes out a little smoother. Either way, that is a huge complement to me and something I had never considered as a strength in myself, so....Thank You Very Much!
I just finished reading "The Shack". I want to recommend this book to anyone who has ever lost someone they loved. The basis of the book is about a man whose daughter was murdered and he has a conversation with God about why it happened. I had always known that God didn't cause bad things to happen. I guess I just thought that He didn't necessarily prevent them either. This book sort of clarified that for me. Within the whole book, it was two paragraphs that really hit me. Hard. God tells this man that He didn't need his daughter to die to fulfill his purpose. He could do that regardless. Because He is God. What He does do, is find a way to be glorified in the tragedy. He also tells this man that his daughter was his joy. And that was purpose enough for her.
I have struggled so much with having to validate Lila & Cole's lives. I felt like I had to do that for them because they couldn't do it for themselves. But they are our joy. And maybe that was purpose enough for them. Maybe to validate their lives is to make their mommy & daddy feel better. And maybe that's ok too.
All things work together for good to those who love the Lord...Romans 8:28
I'm so glad that we started this blog. It has blessed us so much and this year would had been insufficient without it. We've had the opportunity to document our lives with our twins and we've had the incredible support of so many people because of it.
I'm happy to be in a place where I wish to continue blogging. We started this to form a line of communication for family and friends but looking back, I think it ended up benefiting me more than anything. This is a place where I can be myself and sort out my feelings, all the while letting everyone else in on what's going on. Not to mention that I have Lila & Cole's lifetime of memories right on these pages and that in itself is Priceless.
I want to address everyone who complements my writing. That is hilarious to me that anyone would think I'm a good writer! I feel so un-eloquent with my words sometimes, but I'm learning. I also feel like I have such a hard time forming my thoughts into words during a conversation but, I guess when I can sit down for an hour and really think about what I want to say, it comes out a little smoother. Either way, that is a huge complement to me and something I had never considered as a strength in myself, so....Thank You Very Much!
I just finished reading "The Shack". I want to recommend this book to anyone who has ever lost someone they loved. The basis of the book is about a man whose daughter was murdered and he has a conversation with God about why it happened. I had always known that God didn't cause bad things to happen. I guess I just thought that He didn't necessarily prevent them either. This book sort of clarified that for me. Within the whole book, it was two paragraphs that really hit me. Hard. God tells this man that He didn't need his daughter to die to fulfill his purpose. He could do that regardless. Because He is God. What He does do, is find a way to be glorified in the tragedy. He also tells this man that his daughter was his joy. And that was purpose enough for her.
I have struggled so much with having to validate Lila & Cole's lives. I felt like I had to do that for them because they couldn't do it for themselves. But they are our joy. And maybe that was purpose enough for them. Maybe to validate their lives is to make their mommy & daddy feel better. And maybe that's ok too.
All things work together for good to those who love the Lord...Romans 8:28
Friday, January 8, 2010
Grieving 101
I have been thinking alot about this grieving process. I have lost loved ones before, but I have never grieved before as I have now. Not to this extent.
I don't want to belittle the relationships that I've had with my grandparents and my uncles and others who have passed away. Those were a lifetime worth of relationships. I only knew my babies for a fraction of that time. But, somehow, the loss was ten times greater.
I can imagine that those previous losses must had impacted others the same way that I feel now. If I had only known...
If I had known what that feeling was like, I could have been a better support to them. I don't think it's possible to grasp that feeling until you've experienced it yourself. That's why I think it's so important to see this as a gift. We now have a unique glimpse into a process that so many other people will experience and maybe that means we can help pave the way for them to begin their own journey of grief.
If I may, which I know I can because this is my blog and I can do what I want, Ha!, I would like to share some things that helped us and continue to help along the way.
-The day we came home from the hospital, we immediately received a flower delivery. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that this would happen, but, it hadn't. I was immediately panicked and didn't want to look at it because people received flowers for funerals and I was in denial that I was going to plan a funeral for my babies. Steve, however, needed that reassurance that people were trying to reach out to us even if they didn't quite know how. That was enough for him. People didn't have to call us directly or come by (we didn't really want to have direct contact with people for the first couple days anyway but it was wonderful to know you had contacted or saw our parents) so the cards and flowers were enough. After a day, I came to appreciate the flowers as well and I looked forward to receiving them. I also want to note that I received a bouquet of two dozen lavendar roses and, in all my life, those were the most beautiful flowers I had ever seen. If ever in doubt of what to send, send those.
-Cards, Cards, Cards. After the first week had passed, the highlight of my day was going to the mailbox and finding cards. I know I have already told several people this, but, I never realized the importance of that gesture until I was in a position to need it. We received at least one card every day for a full month. Wow. To everyone who battled with sending a card and finally gave in, even if it was several weeks or even a month later, that was God. I have no doubt in my mind. God knew we would need those cards not all at once, but spaced out, just to keep us going. Many people want to show their condolences right away and that is wonderful. It is just as wonderful to receive condolences a month or two later after the dust has settled. Even now we receive "follow up" cards and we cherish those. It lets us know our chidren are not forgotten.
-Several people would call and say "Let me know if you need anything" or "Call when you feel like getting together".
I want to stop right here and handle this very carefully. I don't want to discount anyone's intentions with these statements. I have said these same things many times myself and meant it with all my heart. I just want to let you know what I learned from my own grief.
We didn't know what we needed. We were numb. And the last thing we wanted to do was ask anyone for anything. My sweet friend, Candice, handled this situation better than I could have imagined. Candice had lost a baby to miscarriage just a couple months after our ectopic so I know that we have a kindred spirit by being broken mothers. After the first couple weeks, she called me every Friday and told me that she was coming to get me to take me to lunch. She made it a point to do this every week for quite some time. If she would had asked me up front, I probably would had said no. But she shoved her way in and I am so glad she did. I want to note that we are close enough of friends that she felt she could do that. That might not work for everyone. But I learned from that experience that sometimes you have to force yourself in or you will be left out. There were more people who did ask me and I did say no. However, they didn't quit asking. And that's the key. I might not had felt like it at that time, but there did come a time when I did and I'm glad that I didn't have to initiate it.
-Grieving is exhausting. This is a little bit of an extension of the last point. I didn't feel like getting up out of bed, much less planning a lunch date. I relied heavily on my mom and my mother-in-love to schedule and take me to follow up doctor appointments. They both handled taking down the nursery and returning the items to the baby store. They helped us handle the funeral arrangements and all the paperwork that went with it. They cleaned our house and did our laundry. We even had people offer to cut our grass. Those are all things that needed to be done but we were too depressed to do it ourselves and we would never dare ask anyone to do it for us. Those are things that you can do for people if you feel comfortable.
-Meals. Many people don't feel like eating in a crisis. I am not one of those people. Eating was one of the only "normal" things I could in my routine, so I did. However, the last thing we wanted to do was cook. Going out was not even an option either. That would require getting out of pajamas and putting makeup on and that was Not going to happen. Some people would take meals to our parents house and they would then bring it to us. That worked out great because it meant we had what we needed but we didn't have to entertain people. I had read about a girl who had a meal rotation with a group of girls in her Sunday School class. They were all about my age and all having babies. They decided that when ever one of them had a baby, they would all take turns making meals and every night (for several weeks)at an assigned time, they would drop the food on the front porch, ring the doorbell, then get back in the car and leave. That way, the new mom didn't have to make herself presentable or drop what she was doing with the baby and entertain someone for even a few minutes. When I heard that, I thought it was a wonderful idea (for anyone in a rough patch) and I hope to be able to do that for someone one day.
I have so many other things I could add but I feel this post is long enough. I will save them for another time. So many people have said they had no idea what to do for us. And I had no idea how to handle someone in this situation either. I hope some of these suggestions help and even validate the things that were done. We couldn't have made it through those first few months without help and we are so grateful to have had it. As you can see, every little thing became a part of the big picture to carry us through. From sending a card to doing our laundry, every little gesture meant so much and deserves to be recognized.
We are truly blessed...
I don't want to belittle the relationships that I've had with my grandparents and my uncles and others who have passed away. Those were a lifetime worth of relationships. I only knew my babies for a fraction of that time. But, somehow, the loss was ten times greater.
I can imagine that those previous losses must had impacted others the same way that I feel now. If I had only known...
If I had known what that feeling was like, I could have been a better support to them. I don't think it's possible to grasp that feeling until you've experienced it yourself. That's why I think it's so important to see this as a gift. We now have a unique glimpse into a process that so many other people will experience and maybe that means we can help pave the way for them to begin their own journey of grief.
If I may, which I know I can because this is my blog and I can do what I want, Ha!, I would like to share some things that helped us and continue to help along the way.
-The day we came home from the hospital, we immediately received a flower delivery. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that this would happen, but, it hadn't. I was immediately panicked and didn't want to look at it because people received flowers for funerals and I was in denial that I was going to plan a funeral for my babies. Steve, however, needed that reassurance that people were trying to reach out to us even if they didn't quite know how. That was enough for him. People didn't have to call us directly or come by (we didn't really want to have direct contact with people for the first couple days anyway but it was wonderful to know you had contacted or saw our parents) so the cards and flowers were enough. After a day, I came to appreciate the flowers as well and I looked forward to receiving them. I also want to note that I received a bouquet of two dozen lavendar roses and, in all my life, those were the most beautiful flowers I had ever seen. If ever in doubt of what to send, send those.
-Cards, Cards, Cards. After the first week had passed, the highlight of my day was going to the mailbox and finding cards. I know I have already told several people this, but, I never realized the importance of that gesture until I was in a position to need it. We received at least one card every day for a full month. Wow. To everyone who battled with sending a card and finally gave in, even if it was several weeks or even a month later, that was God. I have no doubt in my mind. God knew we would need those cards not all at once, but spaced out, just to keep us going. Many people want to show their condolences right away and that is wonderful. It is just as wonderful to receive condolences a month or two later after the dust has settled. Even now we receive "follow up" cards and we cherish those. It lets us know our chidren are not forgotten.
-Several people would call and say "Let me know if you need anything" or "Call when you feel like getting together".
I want to stop right here and handle this very carefully. I don't want to discount anyone's intentions with these statements. I have said these same things many times myself and meant it with all my heart. I just want to let you know what I learned from my own grief.
We didn't know what we needed. We were numb. And the last thing we wanted to do was ask anyone for anything. My sweet friend, Candice, handled this situation better than I could have imagined. Candice had lost a baby to miscarriage just a couple months after our ectopic so I know that we have a kindred spirit by being broken mothers. After the first couple weeks, she called me every Friday and told me that she was coming to get me to take me to lunch. She made it a point to do this every week for quite some time. If she would had asked me up front, I probably would had said no. But she shoved her way in and I am so glad she did. I want to note that we are close enough of friends that she felt she could do that. That might not work for everyone. But I learned from that experience that sometimes you have to force yourself in or you will be left out. There were more people who did ask me and I did say no. However, they didn't quit asking. And that's the key. I might not had felt like it at that time, but there did come a time when I did and I'm glad that I didn't have to initiate it.
-Grieving is exhausting. This is a little bit of an extension of the last point. I didn't feel like getting up out of bed, much less planning a lunch date. I relied heavily on my mom and my mother-in-love to schedule and take me to follow up doctor appointments. They both handled taking down the nursery and returning the items to the baby store. They helped us handle the funeral arrangements and all the paperwork that went with it. They cleaned our house and did our laundry. We even had people offer to cut our grass. Those are all things that needed to be done but we were too depressed to do it ourselves and we would never dare ask anyone to do it for us. Those are things that you can do for people if you feel comfortable.
-Meals. Many people don't feel like eating in a crisis. I am not one of those people. Eating was one of the only "normal" things I could in my routine, so I did. However, the last thing we wanted to do was cook. Going out was not even an option either. That would require getting out of pajamas and putting makeup on and that was Not going to happen. Some people would take meals to our parents house and they would then bring it to us. That worked out great because it meant we had what we needed but we didn't have to entertain people. I had read about a girl who had a meal rotation with a group of girls in her Sunday School class. They were all about my age and all having babies. They decided that when ever one of them had a baby, they would all take turns making meals and every night (for several weeks)at an assigned time, they would drop the food on the front porch, ring the doorbell, then get back in the car and leave. That way, the new mom didn't have to make herself presentable or drop what she was doing with the baby and entertain someone for even a few minutes. When I heard that, I thought it was a wonderful idea (for anyone in a rough patch) and I hope to be able to do that for someone one day.
I have so many other things I could add but I feel this post is long enough. I will save them for another time. So many people have said they had no idea what to do for us. And I had no idea how to handle someone in this situation either. I hope some of these suggestions help and even validate the things that were done. We couldn't have made it through those first few months without help and we are so grateful to have had it. As you can see, every little thing became a part of the big picture to carry us through. From sending a card to doing our laundry, every little gesture meant so much and deserves to be recognized.
We are truly blessed...
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