I awoke at 1:50 am on Thursday, August 20, 2009 to find that my water had broke. I had no pain, no bleeding, nothing to indicate a problem. We rushed to the closest emergency room (Jewish at Brooks) and waited there for at least two hours until they transferred us to Suburban. When we got there, they immediately listened to TWO heartbeats and did an ultrasound. I finally saw a doctor around 7am (I'm a little sketchy on that detail but it's close). The doctor said that somewhere between Brooks and Suburban, Lila's heart stopped beating. Apparently when they let us listen to the heartbeats, they picked up Cole's twice. However, when we were at Brooks, they also listened to the heartbeats and they definitely heard Lila's. I had gotten to hear my daughters heartbeat one last time...
I was taken right away and given an epidural and was told that Cole was still alive so I couldn't push to deliver Lila. That poor baby had to work her own way down the birth canal to be born. She had to sacrifice herself to save her brother. Several hours it took her to come, and at 3:33 pm she finally made it. We got to spend beautiful hours with just our daughter, holding her and loving her.
After this, the high risk doctor came in to tell us the grim news. Lila's placenta had not followed her out and we had to make decisions. We did not know if the placenta's were attached or separate, so there were several scenarios that could occur. She said we could choose to deliver Cole and not chance him staying in the womb and developing downs syndrome, cerebral palsy, etc...or him coming maybe a couple weeks later and not making it anyway. If we let Cole stay in, there was a dangerous risk to me that I would incur an infection and my life would be in danger. Or we could just wait and see if Lila's placenta came out on its own. I told that doctor that we choose life. Not by our hand would our son be delivered. We would deal with whatever we had to. She then told me that if my life was in danger, she would not let me choose.
Only a short while longer at 6:39pm, did we learn that the placenta's were in fact attached and Cole made his way into the world. Our son still had a heartbeat. Our son had life in this world. While we held and loved him, he died in our arms and Jesus welcomed him into his.
We chose not to have autopsies done on the babies but the placentas were sent out for testing. Two weeks later we met with our doctor only to have her tell us, "We have no idea what happened". There were no signs that indicated a problem. The only answer we got was "Sometimes these things happen". I had odds stacked against me with having gone through invitro and having multiples. I didn't have an incompetent cervix because it took me hours to dilate to 1 cm. There was no bleeding when my water broke so it wasn't a placental abruption.
We got a second opinion from the doctor who delivered our babies and she couldn't find a solution either. We contacted our fertility doctor in Cincinnati and he couldn't say either. So the good news is that they can't find one thing wrong with me and the bad news is that we lost our babies and they can't find one thing wrong with me.
All of our doctors have encouraged us to try again. This problem doesn't necessarily repeat itself. This problem happens more than we know, that's why we have the March of Dimes. People are out there trying so hard to find the cause of preterm labor to stop it altogether. It's a medical mystery.
I had my 6 week postpartum checkup yesterday and was given the "all clear". Our next step is meeting with a High Risk specialist and getting their opinion on where we should go from here. We're not sure what step we want to take next, but we want all the information we can get so that when we're ready, we'll know what we have to work with.
Along with Breast Cancer, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.
Please join us and people all around the world for the "Wave of light" as we light candles at 7 pm (your time zone) to remember all our babies that we have lost. If everyone leaves a candle burning for at least one hour, a Wave of Light will burn across the globe. What a wonderful memorial for our children. Steve and I will be in Utah on this day, but we will have our candles burning bright to remember our children and all 31 names that I had on my list from the walk. I will hold them with me on that day.
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