God is in the details

We've already established that I am not a perfect person. Well I'm not perfect in my faith either. I'll be honest, I have had my doubts about God's hand in this from the moment the doctor told me Lila's heart stopped beating. Right after the doctor told me that, I made everybody leave the room, including Steve. I just needed to be alone with Him. I didn't even cry because I was so angry. I was angry that He would let this happen to me. Had I not been faithful? Had I needed to be tested this much? Why did we deserve this?

These questions will probably never be answered on this side of heaven. I know that. And most of the angry feelings have now passed. I couldn't see beyond what was right in front of me that day. I didn't need to. That wasn't my time. But I now can look back on everything that has happened since August 20th, and see how God has been walking beside us this whole time.

It just so happened that we found out that I would need to be prepared to deliver Lila right when there was a shift change at the hospital. It just so happened that the sweetest nurse there was happened to be assigned to me. It just so happened that the nurse we were given, has her picture hanging in the halls of the hospital because she was awarded an Outstanding Nurses award. That sweet lady stayed with us for two hours past her shift just to share that day with us. I'm pretty sure I was her only patient that day and so many times she sat and cried with me. She in fact, was a twin herself.

Steve's dad, Ray, had been trying mercilessly to get someone to take over his route at work so that he could get to us. It took hours for them to finally relieve him and he made it to the hospital just in time to hold his first born grandchild, Lila.

The day we had to bury our babies, I stood looking out the front door of our house and there were at least 30 birds sitting in our yard, staring back at me. They weren't shuffling around, just sitting still. It's as if they were mourning too.

The first time we went back to the cemetery to visit Lila and Cole, two dragonflies looped around my head and stayed with us for a few minutes. I've never seen another dragonfly there since that day.

Months ago, my mom had taken on a project to find a tree to plant in front of the Fern Creek/Highview ministries building to serve as their Love Light Tree. Every year at Christmas, you can purchase a light to be placed on the tree in memory of a loved one. She had trouble finding the specific type of tree that needed to be planted. A couple weeks after the babies were born, she finally found the perfect tree but it weighed over 600 pounds and she had no idea how she would get it planted, so it sat in the back of my dad's truck. A couple weeks ago, she drove me by the building so I could see where the tree would go. We pulled up to the building only to find about 30 eagle scouts there doing volunteer work. We were able to bring the tree to them and they planted it for us.

Not only that, but the pastor that serves that ministry said the tree should be planted in honor of Lila & Cole. A plaque is going to be placed in front of the Love Light Tree with Lila & Cole's names on it. Two more footprints left by my babies...

So many other things I could list here, but you get the idea. God was in the details.


One of the David Crowder songs that plays on this blog (All I Can Say) has the most applicable lyrics. It says:

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

God sometimes allows things to happen to us but that doesn't mean he's not carrying us. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt Him too. It doesn't mean that he's left us. Because you see,

God is always in the details

Ignorance is Bliss

I went to visit my babies today and I saw three new graves and it just made my heart ache. It made me reflect on the journey we've been on and how much I want my ignorance back.

I wish I didn't know how many people struggle with infertility.

I wish I didn't know how often people lose their babies for no explainable reason.

I wish I didn't know what it feels like to have a cemetery be your second home.

I wish I didn't know what it feels like to be a statistic.

I wish I didn't have to walk through all of these things to be able to relate to others who had.

I wish I had my ignorance back.


All of these things, I never would have asked to know. It wasn't my choice. But now that we are in the midst of it, it is my hearts desire to know what He would have us do with it.

It is our job to continue Lila & Cole's legacy here.

It is our job to be their voice because they haven't one.

It is our job to make sure their lives were not in vain.

We want our babies names to help change the world in Jesus' name. We buried them with that promise and we hope to be held accountable to it. We hope we can make them proud and leave the world a better place because they were here. That will be their purpose and it will be ours to find a way to do it. We have already been given a couple gifts to get this ball rolling. Here is one of them that I wanted to share with you:


Donations were made in Lila & Cole's names to the Seattle Children's Hospital Research Foundation by Steve's aunt and uncle who live in Washington. This is just one small footprint left by each of them on what I hope will be a long journey to change the world.

Bring the Rain

Well we had less than perfect weather, but the show must go on!


We ventured through the rain and attended our Walk to Remember today. We had a team of 16 to walk in honor of Baby, Lila & Cole Yager.

Per my request, I ended up with a list of 31 babies that were lost to our family, friends and friends of friends to take with us on the walk. I was so proud to be able to walk in honor of these babies and I thank everyone who emailed me and shared their stories with me. I am so glad that I could do this small thing for other mothers who have also suffered a loss.


It's been a month ago today that we held Lila & Cole in our arms. While our arms are still left empty, our hearts are so full. They are full of love from everyone who has supported us by sending cards, emails, phone calls, attending services and walks and in so many other ways. A month later we are still seeing this and you have no idea how much that means to me and Steve.


...and I know there will be days when this life brings us pain. But if that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain.

Walk to Remember

We will be participating in the "Walk to Remember" this upcoming Sunday to honor our babies and all others who were lost from miscarriage or infant loss. I just decided today that I know how very much it means to us to have other people acknowledge our children and I want to return the favor.

That being said, if you or anyone you know has lost a child, please leave a comment or email me their children's names and I will write them down and carry them with me on the walk. It would be an HONOR for you to allow me to do this for you, your friends or your relatives.

I don't care if it's someone that we personally know or not. It doesn't matter how long ago it was. It doesn't even matter if the baby never had a name. We lost a baby through an ectopic pregnancy and we remember our child as "Baby Yager". It's still a child and it's still a loss whether they had a name or not.

I can't imagine a greater gift than for you to be able to tell someone you know that a fellow brokenhearted mother carried their child's name to honor them.

I will check my email and the blog until right before I have to leave for the walk Sunday afternoon to make sure that I have the opportunity to write down every name sent to me.

I'm not a perfect person

This is hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. A parent should never have to let their children go.

I know that I am a strong person and I know a lot of people have looked at me right now and wondered how I've been as strong as I have. I think that has finally caught up with me.

I have days now where I feel like I can't get out of bed, so I don't. I have days where I just want to cry, so I do. I have days where I just feel weak, so I am. These are all decisions that I make for myself. I can't control what happened to us, I can only control how I react to it. I wish that I could forge on to a normal life, but I can't. Because I'm not a perfect person.

I know that there will be a day when the phone calls and emails stop, and the cards stop coming in the mail. I'm glad that day hasn't come yet but I know one day it will. The world will go on, people's lives will go on, and we will be left still hurting. These are the days I dread. These are the days I don't know how I will do it.

I went back today and read through every post in this entire blog. It is so strange some of the things I said at the beginning of this year that are so applicable now but in a totally different context. Maybe deep down I knew about this all along. Maybe those words were written for encouragement then but also knowing I would need them now. It's hard to hear those words now even though I know them to be true.

I've talked about how God's ways are not necessarily our ways.

I've said "God always has a plan for us even when we can't see beyond what's right in front of us. We can only pray that He would open our eyes and show us His purpose."

I've said "that I would walk across fire time and again just to be able to have a family with you."

I've quoted: "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me". Phillipians 4:13

And I said "I have had to let go so much of myself in order to do this and, no matter what the outcome, I don't regret any moment of it. There is no price I wouldn't pay. We grew this child in our hearts long before it will ever grow in my body. "

Do I still believe these words? I do. Do I want to be reminded of these words even though I am so angry? I do. Do I regret any moment of this? Is there any price I wouldn't pay? No.

I held two precious babies in my arms. One baby girl who had her mom's nose and mouth and her daddy's long legs and one baby boy who had his dad's nose, his mom's chin and his mom's brown hair. Two precious little faces that mirrored our own. I NEVER wanted to give them back to God so quickly but what if I NEVER got to see the faces of our children. That I would have regretted.

So today I am so angry but that's ok. Because I am not a perfect person.

thank you, thank you, thank you

There is so much I want to say, so much both of us want to say but we'll just start with Thank You.

We needed to take some time to just "breathe" after the service for Lila & Cole. We left town and holed up in a cabin and just tried to support each other. I think it was the right thing to do but I found it wasn't any easier to breathe there than it was here. This is not something that we can or even want to run away from. It's something that we want to learn to live with.

That's where all of you come in.

We had so many phone calls to us and our parents and so many cards of people saying "let us know if there is anything we can do". When we finalized the plans for the service and knew we were giving only one days notice, I figured we would have about 30 people be able to come. When we walked in that chapel and I saw at least 75 faces staring back at me, it literally took my breath away. I know there were even so many more that wanted to come and couldn't and we completely understand. To those of you who did come at the drop of a hat, we don't even know how to begin to say how grateful we are. One of the only things you can do for a parent in this situation is acknowledge their children. That's all we could ask and so many stepped up and did that for us.

This is how we will learn to live with this. With a lot of faith and knowing how much our children were loved and wanted and will be remembered, we will begin to heal.

I do want to ask something else of everyone and that is to please stay with us on this blog. Our journey took an unexpected turn, but it is NOT over. Lila & Cole are a part of our journey and they are an important part of our family tree. As we wait for answers and pray for guidance, we are going to continue on our journey and we still need your prayers and love and support.

We have no idea what God's plan is for us and what His timing will be. Regardless of our feelings right now, we will always turn to Him and we believe wholeheartedly that He has a plan for us and that He had a plan with Lila & Cole. We believe that there is a reason we had to go through this and we are dedicated to finding out what our purpose in all this will be.

With so much love and gratitude,
Sara and Steve