Just a couple months ago, I complained about not having enough work to do at my job. Well ask and you shall receive! I've been so overloaded that I've had to work the last few weekends and late nights for the past week and half. And there are no signs of slowing down.
I'm going to be real honest today. I am struggling. It has been six months now and I feel like I am just hitting a wall. I remember my counselor telling us in the beginning that people going through grief have set backs around 3,6,& 9 months. Three months I was still hurting so much I don't think it affected me as much but six months is kicking my butt.
I cry as I drive myself into work several times a week. I feel so overwhelmed by any task I have to complete. I get so down on myself because I'm just too exhausted to lose these last 10 pounds and I have to wear the same three outfits every week. I feel like I have nothing some days because we still don't have a house, I have all this work to do but I still am not closing very many sales which means I don't get a paycheck and I don't have my babies.
I do realize that there are many things to be thankful for. I'm so blessed to have parents that have welcomed us with open arms to live in their home until we find one. I have wonderful in-laws who send us cards and always remind us that our children are not forgotten and I have a wonderful husband who walks this path with me every single day.
But I guess that's what depression does to us. It only reminds us of the bad. I need reminders of the good. I feel like I'm losing my fight. I just really feel lost and I don't feel strong, I feel broken.
So what now? I know most of the times I can answer my own questions but this time I can't. I don't know what God's plan is for us. I wish so much I could look into the future so I can just start doing what I'm supposed to do. I wish I had a clear direction right now, but that's not the way it works.
So I guess we wait. And we grieve. And we try to pass on the giant snickerdoodle cookie before church so we can lose the 10 pounds.
And if you ask me, all of those options stink.
3 comments:
I just posted a similar post about feeling lost/ not sure where to go from here and how I wish I had a crystal ball. It sucks!!!! I am sorry to hear that you are struggling but know that you are not alone. If you ever need to vent/ talk just e-mail me!!! Thinking about you and sending ((hugs)) your way.
thinking of you and steve both....
I find your ability to put your emotions into words refreshing and admirable. It is a true gift. You may not know what God has for you now but each time you post here it is clear he is using you. I am super sad for you and steve and your families. I am super sad for all of us, but mostly I am glad you know God to help you through this.
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