A New Year

To sit down today and try to reflect on this past year is just impossible. I still can't wrap my mind around it. What seems like a blink of the eye has actually encompassed an entire year. And the last day of the year is still a day of loss for us.

It was this very day, four years ago, that we learned our lives would never be the same. On December 31, 2005 we learned that the baby we had longed so much for, was in fact an ectopic pregnancy and thus began the emotional rollercoaster of us trying to start a family. The difference between now and then is that, at that time, I tried to keep it a secret.

I found out I was pregnant just a couple weeks before Christmas. We immediately knew that we wouldn't dare say anything until Christmas day and that it would be the best surprise ever. Steve and I had one glorious day to celebrate and then we learned there was a problem. Even then, we tried to deal with it alone, so as not to upset anyone with bad news. I went to the doctor numerous times alone, each visit hearing them tell me I was probably losing my baby. I had hit my breaking point and we finally told our parents because it was too much to bear alone.

After I was treated for the ectopic, we decided to go ahead and let everyone else know what had happened. It was during that time that I realized we had made a mistake by not telling everyone up front. It was harder to tell that story after it was over. We didn't have the support during the time we needed it most. I vowed never to do that again.

And that brings us here. An entire twisted, wonderful, anxious, horrible, blessed year has gone by. And we didn't go through a second of it alone. I can't find the words adequate enough to express how much you all have meant to us this year. Can you imagine if we tried to travel this journey alone? Thank you for not allowing that to happen. Thank you for being there for the good and the bad. Thank you for bearing your souls to us as we have to you. Thank you for letting our family become a part of yours.

As the New Year approaches, I don't feel like making resolutions. Rather, I would like to implement the things that I've learned this past year and just try to help other people. I don't want an experience like this to go to waste. I do want to have hope and trust God has a plan for us this year.

We are going to continue on our path to have more children. I think that the doctors have made it clear that it is safe to do so and I think that we have resolved in our minds that we would like to try again. We are not going to seek medical intervention at this time. Maybe being pregnant has helped "fix" whatever seemed to be broken. Regardless, we trust that God can allow us to get pregnant with or without medicine and we are going to pray that He would show us His timing and what His plan will be for us.

I hope that we will continue to have your support as we continue our journey. I hope that this time next year, this New Years Eve post will have a totally different tone. After all, alot can happen in a year............

"Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride"

Christmas in Heaven

Today is Christmas Eve and the tears started as soon as my feet hit the floor. I don't want it to be Christmas if they can't be here.

I have tried distracting myself with shopping, wrapping and cooking but it was inevitable I guess. And it's not even that this should be the end of it. Christmas may had seemed like it was the last milestone for making plans, but I already had thoughts reeling in my head of what I would do for their first birthday party. I had already pictured in my head our baby dedication at church. I pictured Easter outfits and Halloween costumes. It's neverending. But somehow, with Christmas here, it just seems so final.

The thing that is most hard for me to grasp is that I still wake up some days and feel like none of this ever happened. I mean, how could something like this happen to anyone? And it's not that I feel like I'm in denial. I feel like I'm a million miles away from acceptance.

I know that I had trouble this year even thinking of something to put on my Christmas list. But whether I got to keep them or bury them, My children were still the greatest gift of all and I would do it all over again if given the chance. You see, even through the pain there is joy. Through the sadness, there were smiles. These are our children and they were beautiful and I am just so proud of them.

I tried to picture this morning what Christmas is like in Heaven. Do they have a gigantic birthday party with presents and cake? Do they play games with the children and sing Happy Birthday Jesus? I hope they do. I hope that Christmas is the biggest day of the year in Heaven and I'm glad that the first birthday my babies get to celebrate is Jesus'.

A letter to my babies

Dear Lila & Cole,

Today is the day the doctor said you would be born. We would have never imagined, that exactly four months ago today, you would have already made your way into the world. We also never would have imagined that you would have left it as quickly as you came.

It is so bittersweet, but yet amazing, the difference your lives have made on us and the people surrounding us. Even people we don’t know. God has let so many people cross our paths that have shared this same grief and that have allowed us to tell your story. Not very many days go by without us having the pleasure of speaking your names. Just to say those words aloud, it breathes life back into me. It has always been our goal to see to it that your lives had purpose. That the world will be a better place because you were here. We believe that we are already seeing that happen.

Do you know how many people pray for mommy and daddy every day? Do you know that you have a tree planted in your honor that others can use to honor people they love? Can you see all the donations that have been made in memory of you? Did you see all the gifts and cards people sent for you because they loved you so much, even without ever getting to meet you? Do you see the people that mommy and daddy try to help because of our love for you?

Even as I write this, a song we love that reminds us of you is playing on the radio. I believe that God holds us as much as He holds you. He has blessed us with new friends and new experiences that we would have never known had you not been born. He has renewed our faith in a situation where all faith could be lost. He has given us peace at times where we could have completely lost it. He has shown us grace and allowed us to show it to others instead of being in a place of hurt. There is such a sense of awareness now where before, we were wrapped up in our own selves. I hate that it took a heartbreaking experience to bring these things to fruition, but I’m glad that we've embraced the good that can come of this instead of making it for nothing.

We hope there are holes in the floor of Heaven where you can look in on us from time to time. We hope that you can look past the hurt that we have, the hurt you will never know, and be proud of the things we are doing now. We are not perfect people but we do have a perfect love for you. One that will never know disappointment and regret. A love so pure that it will never be tainted with the pain of this world. A perfect love that will survive this lifetime and carry us into eternity.

I'm not going to try to fit a lifetime of words into one letter. This is just where we are today. I talk to you most days and tell you things I want you to know. I probably always will. That is the relationship we have and I will cherish that.

Countless tears have been shed from me and daddy because we ache so much without you here. I hope that those tears are like angel kisses on your sweet cheeks. I hope that you can feel that love though you are so far away.

Save a spot for us, sweet babies. We'll be home soon.

Love,
Mommy & Daddy

Lots to catch up on

We've had a very busy week!

To start things off, we received a beautiful piece of mail which contained Cole's birth certificate. This is just one more tiny victory for us. I have found out that some states do not recognize babies who live a small amount of time as a "live birth". I just praise God that is not an issue we have in Kentucky.

I am so grateful to have this piece of paper that says
Our son had life.


We also received another present in the mail this past week.

Steve and I were trying to find something special to give to those who made donations in Cole & Lila's name... ...and this is it!

One side has Lila & Cole Yager and the other side says Jeremiah 29:11. That has been our foundation scripture since the beginning of our journey and we still stand strong on it today. If you are wearing this bracelet and someone asks you what that means, I hope you will tell them that God has a plan for all of us. Plans to prosper us and not harm us. Plans to give us hope and a future.

That scripture is not just for people who lose babies. It is for every.single.person. No matter what your situation is. God has a plan.

If you have already made a donation, we will be sending a bracelet to you soon. And if you decide to make one in the future, whether it be $1 or $1000, a bracelet will be waiting for you:) If you have a cause that is close to your heart and would prefer to donate in their names there instead, that is wonderful too, just let us know...

And to wrap the week up, we finally have a marker for our children. As Deacon Bob said as he blessed their grave, "They finally have a permanent mark in history". They were here, and they were real, and now all the generations to come will know that Lila & Cole Yager made a mark in this world.

This just in...

I just found out the babies' headstone is getting set today!!!!

We will be having an informal graveside gathering on Wednesday the 16th at 1:00pm where Deacon Bob will be blessing the grave.

Deacon Bob is the sweet man who comes to the cemetery once a month and blesses all the babies' graves and spends time with the families who are able to come. He has a heart for children as he has lost a child and grandchild of his own. He told us to call him when the headstone was put in and he would make a special trip to bless it for us.

Anyone who is able to come is welcome to join us. If you don't remember where to go, email me and I will give you directions. (sarayager@insightbb.com)

Today is a good day:)

Just Checking In

I haven't felt led to post anything lately. I've been sort of scattered . I'm still trying to get back into the swing of things with work and we are tirelessly looking for a home.

We could really use your prayers as far as the house hunting goes. We have found a preforeclosure home that we really love but we just don't feel certain about it. We also have always known we wanted to build our own home but we are having tremendous trouble finding a lot. Would you please pray that God would lead us where He wants us to be and that we would have peace about our decision?

These next few weeks are sneaking up on us really fast. December 20th was my due date. I recognize that this date is faulty in the sense that Lila & Cole probably would had been born already anyway because twin pregnancies rarely go that far. But I hold onto that date because we knew they definitely would have been here by then and it's just one more piece of their story. Sometimes I feel like that's all this is. A Story. It seems like it can't really be happening. Like I'm just a narrator looking from the outside in. It seems like there will never be an end to this story. That the hurt will feel this intense forever. I guess part of me doesn't want it to go away. I have befriended my grief. But I do want to learn to live with it. And I do want to be able to not cry at work because someone took my tape dispenser...

I haven't been to counseling for some time now. I felt like I was talking in circles and I just needed a break from it. I think that time has done me good. I'm putting into action the things I have learned there. (Meanwhile, the tape dispenser incident put me right back on the therapist couch ) It was nice to just check in with my counselor after this short break and she assured me that we were handling this extremely well and that God does indeed have a purpose for our babies' lives. It is nice to be reminded of that every now and then.

I am so grateful for the many wonderful people in our lives. We are still receiving cards and gifts for our babies. We received a card in the mail yesterday, which I was certain was the first Christmas card of the season. I was pleasantly surprised when I opened it to find that it was a card of encouragement.

We certainly appreciate the donations that have been made. We are working on something special to give to those who make donations to the March of Dimes in honor of Lila & Cole and we hope to have that soon.

Please keep us in your prayers these next few weeks. Instead of shopping for Christmas gifts for our babies, we shop for an arrangement to put on their grave. When we should be telling people "all we want for Christmas is presents for the babies" we instead just want for their headstone to finally be installed.

We want so badly to be in the Christmas spirit but we can't. The only thing I can focus on is what Christmas in Heaven will be like this year. But in the meantime, I want to celebrate the birth of a very special baby. A Baby that was born so that my babies may be held in Heaven's arms this Christmas. A Baby that was born so that they can be in my arms in Heaven one day.

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given...And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Isaiah 9:6

Thankful

Today is a day that is greeted with much anticipation. Many months ago, I wondered if I would be able to get out of bed on this day or would I be on bedrest. I wondered if I would be able to eat Thanksgiving dinner or would I be so huge I wouldn't even want to think about eating. I even wondered if Lila & Cole would have already graced us with their presence, as I knew they probably would be born early.

Then just weeks ago, I wondered if I would be able to get out of bed on this day. Would I feel like eating? How much would I miss Cole & Lila today?

The best thing that I know now is to not make plans for these sorts of things. There is no way for us to know the future and there is no way to plan for it in this capacity.

We made a new plan this year for Thanksgiving. This will be the first time in my life that I will spend the holiday with two people instead of thirty. I feel like I am a person of tradition and I will very much miss being with my family today. But also I am glad that our plan for today will not be hectic and that we can avoid the chaos and just be able to feel. That is an important part of this process for me and if I'm distracted, then it will come crashing down on me later.

A while ago, I wished that I could just rip all the holidays off the calender for the rest of the year. I certainly was in no mood to go around a table and say what I was thankful for. My mind is clouded sometimes and I can't see past what I've lost. Some days this still holds true. But I'm trying to grow and I'm trying to learn that I have lost a lot, but there are still silver linings.

So today I am tremendously missing my babies. But, today I am thankful for twenty little fingers and twenty little toes.
I am thankful for heartbeats and sweet little kicks inside my belly. I am thankful for morning sickness and heartburn. I am thankful for natural childbirth. I am thankful to be a mom. I am thankful for a God who has a plan for us and that loved Cole & Lila so much, that He brought them back to Heaven to prepare a place for us.

I am also thankful for family and friends who face awkwardness and fumble for words but do it anyway, and in their own time, because they so desperately want to show us how much they care. I am thankful that these very people, allow us to be the same way.

TNT

We made it to Texas and it didn't take long for everyone to make themselves at home.

Squirt & Elly have been playing nonstop and I think they have finally wore themselves out.



Last night we went to Monday Night Football at Reliant Stadium.

It was TNT: Texans vs. Titans. I am not really a football fan but our seats were Amazing and I didn't realize how different it was being there in person versus just watching on tv.

The Texans didn't win but it was a good game and I'm really glad we got the opportunity to go.

Beth's friend, Steve, set us up with these tickets and let us tailgate with his crew. Let me tell you, these people know how to do it right too. Thank you so much Steve for showing us a great time!

Houston Bound: Hampton Found

We are well on our way to Houston to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with Beth (my sister in law)and Elly's favorite playmate, Squirt.

We wanted to split the drive into two days so we stopped last night just outside of Jackson, Mississippi and smuggled Elly into her first hotel experience. Steve figured he could empty his laptop backpack and put Elly in it and zip her up. It worked perfect!

Disclaimer: I do feel bad about sneaking her in but we are limited on our hotel choices where we are and service animals are allowed here. And Elly doesn't know she's a dog. She thinks she is a real person. And she doesn't shed and I gave her a bath before we left. And she is a perfect angel, just look at that face. But I digress...

She was such a good girl. We are so proud of her. She also did so good in the car. She has never been on a road trip before so I was anxious to see how she would handle it and she has been great!

I know she can't wait to see her auntie Beth and Squirt so we're going to get back on the road....

Fight for Preemies

I know I've been silent for awhile. I've had a lot of adjustments to survive these past couple of weeks.

For starters, we had an appointment the first of this month with a High Risk Specialist. He was the same doctor that performed our level II ultrasound just a few weeks before the babies were born. We felt good about him at that time and also received a recommendation from one of his patients.

It did not occur to me that we would have our appointment with him at the same place we had the ultrasound. I say this because that office consists of one ultrasound room and one office. I just assumed that was a satellite location, not his actual office. So once again, I had to sit in that waiting room where I had to hear the grim news about our ectopic pregnancy. And now that place holds another memory for us because it was the last time we saw Lila alive.

Unfortunately, the doctor didn't read our chart until a couple minutes before he called us back. We could tell he was very uncomfortable which didn't make for a great meeting. I'm really not sure why we were there. It doesn't seem that he told us anything we didn't already know. He said the same things we've heard before about we don't know why these things happen and there's no reason you shouldn't try again. I asked him if there were any more tests that we needed to have to make sure there isn't a problem and he said "NO".

So that's pretty much it. We don't have any more appointments scheduled with any other doctors. I think we've exhausted our resources searching for answers. The bottom line appears to be that we had strikes against us for having in vitro, multiple babies, the hyper stimulation of my ovaries couldn't have helped anything, and the fact that sometimes "these things happen and we don't know why". And these answers are what we'll have to live with.

I also started back to work. It has been harder and easier than I expected. It's been harder in the sense that the phone rang at work the other day and I saw the name on the caller id. I knew it was for me but I couldn't remember for the life of me who it was. Even as I began talking to him I couldn't place him. It was someone that I knew really well. I quickly gathered myself and did remember everything, just not as soon as I would have liked. I seem to have these brain warps every once in a while.

It has been easier in the sense that when I'm at home, and feeling terrible, and I don't feel like interacting with anyone, I go to work and I am forced to do this and it sort of breaks me out of that funk. That has pretty much been my secret in dealing with any of this. I do it because I have to.


We've read some books and attended a workshop about grief during the holidays and they all say the same thing. They say to continue your traditions that you had with your loved ones or create a new tradition. We didn't get the chance to have holiday traditions with Lila & Cole. We don't know what those traditions would have been so we don't know the best way for us to approach them. The fact of the matter is, that we haven't even remotely fallen back into our old routines. Our lives are so upside down from how it used to be that it's impossible for us to do that. We don't live in the same place, things at work have changed while we've been gone, and there is a huge void in our family that will always be there.

This is a new stage in life for us and we're doing it the best we can. Because we have to. I just want to thank everybody for being patient with us. I've learned that there is no "rule book" to follow in these circumstances. I've also learned that there is no "rule book" for those who love us to know what to do. I wish so much that one day I could write one because that is exactly what I would have liked to have. Just tell me how to do this and I'll do it. (That's a catchy title huh?)

Today is also the March of Dimes "Fight for Preemies" day. Please click on the link on the sidebar and read the short description about this day. You may also have noticed that someone set up a band to donate to the March of Dimes in honor of Cole & Lila. If you feel so led, you can click on the band and make a donation to a cause that hopefully will one day find the reason why my babies can't be here with me now and find a way to stop it from ever happening again.

My reality

This has really been a tough week for me.

A lot of changes are taking place and we've taken many small steps forward towards our future. For starters, we moved out of our house over the weekend and moved in with my parents. On a good day this would have been a little difficult for me, but now, it's magnified.

This is the home we moved into a week before we were married. At that time we were so full of hope, all the while living paycheck to paycheck. We never imagined we'd be able to afford the home and pay off our student loans. In the midst of that we'd have transmissions go out and tires blow and we struggled, but we held on to each other.

On Tuesday night, Steve and I said goodbye to our home as we reminisced through every room in the house and told our favorite memories about each one. **To those who know: The bat story came up several times...I'm so glad we can laugh about that now as one of our favorite memories**

On the night we came home from our honeymoon, I remember sitting in the rain in the car while Steve sprinted into the house for a bathroom break because we had driven straight through without stopping. I waited because I didn't want to walk through the door, I wanted him to carry me over the threshold. Because at that time, that is what I thought was important.

So six years ago when we stepped foot in our first house, we struggled and we didn't know how we'd survive and we were full of hope ....and we chose to walk through the door together. It seems that some things haven't changed so much after all.

On Monday, I had to take Elly to the vet for her annual shots. I usually have to wait a couple hours when I'm there so I took advantage of the time by starting a new book my counselor gave me to read. A few chapters in, a lady comes into the waiting room with her baby. As I sit reading my book, I hear them playing and I hear the sweet laughter that can only come from a content child. Tears begin to swell in my eyes. I'm reading a book on coping with loss while I listen to the baby laugh and realize that I will never get to hear that from Lila & Cole. In that moment I realize, this is my reality. I know that there will be thousands of these moments in my life and I have to take them one by one. In this moment, I paused from my book and took in that sweet sound, it was music to my ears.

Today I'm officially back to work, albeit from my home office. This is a step where I have really put a lot of pressure on myself. I hold myself to a certain level of achievement, and once I reach that level, I don't want to accept anything less. I've doubted myself that I could perform to the same level that I was on before. But guess what? I sat down, turned on my computer and gave it a shot. Turns out, I can still design a kitchen. Go figure.

So today we signed the papers to sell our home and tonight we will sign the papers to order our babies' headstone. Two things that shouldn't be in the same sentence but yet,it's our reality. And we're taking it one moment at a time.
*View of sunrise from our first home*

Our new address:
10907 Bardstown Woods Blvd
Louisville, KY 40291

Happy Halloween!

We're Moving!!!

That's right, we finally sold our house and we just found out that we have to close on Wednesday.

We are scrambling to get things packed up and hauled off by this weekend. That being said, we are having a moving sale on Saturday.

We hope this will be successful considering the weather report but we will be there rain or shine.

We are selling a sectional sofa, exercise equipment, luggage, computer desk and chair and other miscellaneous items.

So if you want to buy or sell or just visit then please come by anytime after 7:00am. 5419 Cannonwood Dr. 40229

No pictures, Just words

I hope you enjoyed hearing about our trip last week. Sometimes I don't know if I'm writing to myself or if people are actually still reading this blog.

I know I have at least one reader who so sweetly took the time to write and mail us a special note after she saw the faces of our children.

Andrea, you'll never know how much your words meant to us. I received that card on one of my worst days and it reminded me what I'm fighting for. Thank you.

I did receive an email and a couple text messages after we posted the video and I also want to say "thank you" to those who did that. We needed to hear those words of encouragement as I doubted myself many times about posting those pictures.

Steve and I are working so hard every day to figure out what this new life without our children is going to be. Some days I think we are making so much progress and then some days we get our legs pulled right out from under us. We're working on the new dynamic of our marriage because now we have to play different roles for each other. I have to figure out how to be this person as I go back to work in a week and what role this whole thing will play in that.

Despite these things, I would say that we are just ok. Some days are really good and some days are really bad. I think "OK" is a good mixture of both. We have our faith and we have a great counselor and we have two huge families and many friends that are there when we need them. Most importantly, we have each other. And sometimes, that's all we need. Sometimes, we have to work this out between us because ultimately, we're the only ones who know what this feels like. We're the only ones who had Lila & Cole and that makes this story different from anyone who ever went through this and everyone who ever will.

I also think that it will take some time. As of now it's only been two months and it makes me sadder with every day that passes because I feel like it gets me further away from them. I am going to try hard, for the rest of my life, to hang on to every little piece of them I have. And I will talk about them and remember them and do things for them and I hope that you will embrace that as a part of me. As a part of us.

So I hope that as we are figuring these things out, that you will just love us and know that we're going to be ok. I think we're going to be better than ok. I think we are going to come out of this better people and I hope the same for everyone who shared this journey with us.

Salt Lake City

State Capital building:

*****************************************

One day we drove into the city and mainly walked around Temple Square while we were there.

For the 13 million Latter-day Saints around the world, this is the historic and spiritual center of the church.

The square is in the middle of the downtown area and holds the iconic Salt Lake Temple:

The Mormon Tabernacle:

and The Assembly Hall:

as well as many other historical buildings.

While we were walking around the Temple (you can't go inside unless you are a participating member of the church), we saw 7 wedding parties. All were taking pictures side by side, all the way around the building, all at the same time. We asked one of the volunteers at the building, what the heck was going on. He said that on that day, they had 27 weddings scheduled. And not only that, it appears that was a slow day. They normally have about 50 weddings a day at the temple! The wedding planning business is certainly not feeling the effects of the economy in Salt Lake City.

We also swung by the stadium


and saw where the Olympic torch was lit


And I'll end this post with my favorite picture of the day:


I can't imagine why this is my favorite;)

Name Game

All of these images were taken from signs we saw on our trip. Neat Huh?
*****************************************************


One of the places we visited was the Utah Olympic Park.

You may remember that in 2002, Salt Lake City hosted the Winter Olympics. The indoor events were held in the city, but the outdoor events were hosted about 45 minutes away in Park City.

Ski jumps:



While we were visiting, there was a Korean team practicing the bobsled:


But they weren't allowed to practice on the ice:



We also saw someone from the American team at ski practice:

He was VERY handsome:)

Perspective

Sunrise: Park City, Utah




I just have to share that I had a major breakthrough last week. Anyone who knows me knows that I am the worst when it comes to flying. Usually I will work myself up for days anticipating having to get on an airplane. Our flight left last Tuesday for Salt Lake City and I have to say that for the first time in my entire life, I was not afraid to get on that plane.

I thought at first maybe I was just being tough, and that when it came to actually sitting on the plane that I would in fact panic. But it didn't happen. What did happen was that I was 30,000 feet closer to my babies. And when we were in Utah, I was 7,000 feet closer to my babies.

I guess what really happened was "perspective". Silly things that used to matter just don't anymore. I have had life changing experiences happen to me before where this "perspective" came into play. And that changed my life for a while, but then I slowly drifted back into my old ways and worried about the same things that I did before. I hope that I can hold on to this feeling and never let it go. I hope, if nothing else, that you can take this experience and let it change your "perspective" too.

Sunset: