Free Therapy

I finally got a chance to visit with my counselor last week for the first time in a couple months. I've been meaning to make an appointment but I let life get in the way. I didn't think I could afford the time to go. After I went I realized, I couldn't afford not to.

As you know, I had been struggling through this six month mark for awhile. Well something occurred last week that really hit me. Hard. My cousin, Deaven, had an accident 17 months ago and miraculously survived. However, he survived with a brain injury that tremendously altered his quality of life. The doctors didn't think he would survive the days after his accident but he did. There were several occasions where they didn't see hope for him but then he would pull through. I just knew in my heart, God had a plan for him. It wasn't his time yet. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that he would just wake up and be as he was.

Well last week, God decided that it was Deaven's time. I got to see him the day his feeding tube was removed. I told him I loved him and I longed to give him a message for my babies but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Because I didn't want to give up on a miracle. I was devastated. Overly devastated. I felt like I was overreacting. Deaven and I hadn't seen each other in years. We were closer as kids and even then we didn't see each other often. But then I realized, my heart was broken for his mother. I couldn't bear to see someone else bury their child.

Ironically, I had my counseling session scheduled for right in the middle of Deaven's funeral. I rescheduled for two days later and I poured my heart out and looked for answers. This is what I learned.

I learned that I just relived the process of planning a funeral for my kids. I learned that I prayed for a miracle for Deaven the same way I prayed for Lila & Cole. And I was disappointed both times. I learned that I cannot sit on God's lap right now but only sit right beside Him. Because I don't trust Him like I used to. And I learned that was ok. Because He will never leave us or forsake us. Even when we do it to Him.

I learned that I am the one putting the pressure on myself and I've got to tell Sara to "shut up!". If I keep setting the bar too high, I will continue to fail myself.

I learned that I carry this burden but it has softened my heart.

As easy as these things sound now, I couldn't put it together before. Maybe those are answers for someone else reading this too. And if it is, I won't charge you the $85:)