A New Year

To sit down today and try to reflect on this past year is just impossible. I still can't wrap my mind around it. What seems like a blink of the eye has actually encompassed an entire year. And the last day of the year is still a day of loss for us.

It was this very day, four years ago, that we learned our lives would never be the same. On December 31, 2005 we learned that the baby we had longed so much for, was in fact an ectopic pregnancy and thus began the emotional rollercoaster of us trying to start a family. The difference between now and then is that, at that time, I tried to keep it a secret.

I found out I was pregnant just a couple weeks before Christmas. We immediately knew that we wouldn't dare say anything until Christmas day and that it would be the best surprise ever. Steve and I had one glorious day to celebrate and then we learned there was a problem. Even then, we tried to deal with it alone, so as not to upset anyone with bad news. I went to the doctor numerous times alone, each visit hearing them tell me I was probably losing my baby. I had hit my breaking point and we finally told our parents because it was too much to bear alone.

After I was treated for the ectopic, we decided to go ahead and let everyone else know what had happened. It was during that time that I realized we had made a mistake by not telling everyone up front. It was harder to tell that story after it was over. We didn't have the support during the time we needed it most. I vowed never to do that again.

And that brings us here. An entire twisted, wonderful, anxious, horrible, blessed year has gone by. And we didn't go through a second of it alone. I can't find the words adequate enough to express how much you all have meant to us this year. Can you imagine if we tried to travel this journey alone? Thank you for not allowing that to happen. Thank you for being there for the good and the bad. Thank you for bearing your souls to us as we have to you. Thank you for letting our family become a part of yours.

As the New Year approaches, I don't feel like making resolutions. Rather, I would like to implement the things that I've learned this past year and just try to help other people. I don't want an experience like this to go to waste. I do want to have hope and trust God has a plan for us this year.

We are going to continue on our path to have more children. I think that the doctors have made it clear that it is safe to do so and I think that we have resolved in our minds that we would like to try again. We are not going to seek medical intervention at this time. Maybe being pregnant has helped "fix" whatever seemed to be broken. Regardless, we trust that God can allow us to get pregnant with or without medicine and we are going to pray that He would show us His timing and what His plan will be for us.

I hope that we will continue to have your support as we continue our journey. I hope that this time next year, this New Years Eve post will have a totally different tone. After all, alot can happen in a year............

"Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride"

Christmas in Heaven

Today is Christmas Eve and the tears started as soon as my feet hit the floor. I don't want it to be Christmas if they can't be here.

I have tried distracting myself with shopping, wrapping and cooking but it was inevitable I guess. And it's not even that this should be the end of it. Christmas may had seemed like it was the last milestone for making plans, but I already had thoughts reeling in my head of what I would do for their first birthday party. I had already pictured in my head our baby dedication at church. I pictured Easter outfits and Halloween costumes. It's neverending. But somehow, with Christmas here, it just seems so final.

The thing that is most hard for me to grasp is that I still wake up some days and feel like none of this ever happened. I mean, how could something like this happen to anyone? And it's not that I feel like I'm in denial. I feel like I'm a million miles away from acceptance.

I know that I had trouble this year even thinking of something to put on my Christmas list. But whether I got to keep them or bury them, My children were still the greatest gift of all and I would do it all over again if given the chance. You see, even through the pain there is joy. Through the sadness, there were smiles. These are our children and they were beautiful and I am just so proud of them.

I tried to picture this morning what Christmas is like in Heaven. Do they have a gigantic birthday party with presents and cake? Do they play games with the children and sing Happy Birthday Jesus? I hope they do. I hope that Christmas is the biggest day of the year in Heaven and I'm glad that the first birthday my babies get to celebrate is Jesus'.

A letter to my babies

Dear Lila & Cole,

Today is the day the doctor said you would be born. We would have never imagined, that exactly four months ago today, you would have already made your way into the world. We also never would have imagined that you would have left it as quickly as you came.

It is so bittersweet, but yet amazing, the difference your lives have made on us and the people surrounding us. Even people we don’t know. God has let so many people cross our paths that have shared this same grief and that have allowed us to tell your story. Not very many days go by without us having the pleasure of speaking your names. Just to say those words aloud, it breathes life back into me. It has always been our goal to see to it that your lives had purpose. That the world will be a better place because you were here. We believe that we are already seeing that happen.

Do you know how many people pray for mommy and daddy every day? Do you know that you have a tree planted in your honor that others can use to honor people they love? Can you see all the donations that have been made in memory of you? Did you see all the gifts and cards people sent for you because they loved you so much, even without ever getting to meet you? Do you see the people that mommy and daddy try to help because of our love for you?

Even as I write this, a song we love that reminds us of you is playing on the radio. I believe that God holds us as much as He holds you. He has blessed us with new friends and new experiences that we would have never known had you not been born. He has renewed our faith in a situation where all faith could be lost. He has given us peace at times where we could have completely lost it. He has shown us grace and allowed us to show it to others instead of being in a place of hurt. There is such a sense of awareness now where before, we were wrapped up in our own selves. I hate that it took a heartbreaking experience to bring these things to fruition, but I’m glad that we've embraced the good that can come of this instead of making it for nothing.

We hope there are holes in the floor of Heaven where you can look in on us from time to time. We hope that you can look past the hurt that we have, the hurt you will never know, and be proud of the things we are doing now. We are not perfect people but we do have a perfect love for you. One that will never know disappointment and regret. A love so pure that it will never be tainted with the pain of this world. A perfect love that will survive this lifetime and carry us into eternity.

I'm not going to try to fit a lifetime of words into one letter. This is just where we are today. I talk to you most days and tell you things I want you to know. I probably always will. That is the relationship we have and I will cherish that.

Countless tears have been shed from me and daddy because we ache so much without you here. I hope that those tears are like angel kisses on your sweet cheeks. I hope that you can feel that love though you are so far away.

Save a spot for us, sweet babies. We'll be home soon.

Love,
Mommy & Daddy

Lots to catch up on

We've had a very busy week!

To start things off, we received a beautiful piece of mail which contained Cole's birth certificate. This is just one more tiny victory for us. I have found out that some states do not recognize babies who live a small amount of time as a "live birth". I just praise God that is not an issue we have in Kentucky.

I am so grateful to have this piece of paper that says
Our son had life.


We also received another present in the mail this past week.

Steve and I were trying to find something special to give to those who made donations in Cole & Lila's name... ...and this is it!

One side has Lila & Cole Yager and the other side says Jeremiah 29:11. That has been our foundation scripture since the beginning of our journey and we still stand strong on it today. If you are wearing this bracelet and someone asks you what that means, I hope you will tell them that God has a plan for all of us. Plans to prosper us and not harm us. Plans to give us hope and a future.

That scripture is not just for people who lose babies. It is for every.single.person. No matter what your situation is. God has a plan.

If you have already made a donation, we will be sending a bracelet to you soon. And if you decide to make one in the future, whether it be $1 or $1000, a bracelet will be waiting for you:) If you have a cause that is close to your heart and would prefer to donate in their names there instead, that is wonderful too, just let us know...

And to wrap the week up, we finally have a marker for our children. As Deacon Bob said as he blessed their grave, "They finally have a permanent mark in history". They were here, and they were real, and now all the generations to come will know that Lila & Cole Yager made a mark in this world.

This just in...

I just found out the babies' headstone is getting set today!!!!

We will be having an informal graveside gathering on Wednesday the 16th at 1:00pm where Deacon Bob will be blessing the grave.

Deacon Bob is the sweet man who comes to the cemetery once a month and blesses all the babies' graves and spends time with the families who are able to come. He has a heart for children as he has lost a child and grandchild of his own. He told us to call him when the headstone was put in and he would make a special trip to bless it for us.

Anyone who is able to come is welcome to join us. If you don't remember where to go, email me and I will give you directions. (sarayager@insightbb.com)

Today is a good day:)

Just Checking In

I haven't felt led to post anything lately. I've been sort of scattered . I'm still trying to get back into the swing of things with work and we are tirelessly looking for a home.

We could really use your prayers as far as the house hunting goes. We have found a preforeclosure home that we really love but we just don't feel certain about it. We also have always known we wanted to build our own home but we are having tremendous trouble finding a lot. Would you please pray that God would lead us where He wants us to be and that we would have peace about our decision?

These next few weeks are sneaking up on us really fast. December 20th was my due date. I recognize that this date is faulty in the sense that Lila & Cole probably would had been born already anyway because twin pregnancies rarely go that far. But I hold onto that date because we knew they definitely would have been here by then and it's just one more piece of their story. Sometimes I feel like that's all this is. A Story. It seems like it can't really be happening. Like I'm just a narrator looking from the outside in. It seems like there will never be an end to this story. That the hurt will feel this intense forever. I guess part of me doesn't want it to go away. I have befriended my grief. But I do want to learn to live with it. And I do want to be able to not cry at work because someone took my tape dispenser...

I haven't been to counseling for some time now. I felt like I was talking in circles and I just needed a break from it. I think that time has done me good. I'm putting into action the things I have learned there. (Meanwhile, the tape dispenser incident put me right back on the therapist couch ) It was nice to just check in with my counselor after this short break and she assured me that we were handling this extremely well and that God does indeed have a purpose for our babies' lives. It is nice to be reminded of that every now and then.

I am so grateful for the many wonderful people in our lives. We are still receiving cards and gifts for our babies. We received a card in the mail yesterday, which I was certain was the first Christmas card of the season. I was pleasantly surprised when I opened it to find that it was a card of encouragement.

We certainly appreciate the donations that have been made. We are working on something special to give to those who make donations to the March of Dimes in honor of Lila & Cole and we hope to have that soon.

Please keep us in your prayers these next few weeks. Instead of shopping for Christmas gifts for our babies, we shop for an arrangement to put on their grave. When we should be telling people "all we want for Christmas is presents for the babies" we instead just want for their headstone to finally be installed.

We want so badly to be in the Christmas spirit but we can't. The only thing I can focus on is what Christmas in Heaven will be like this year. But in the meantime, I want to celebrate the birth of a very special baby. A Baby that was born so that my babies may be held in Heaven's arms this Christmas. A Baby that was born so that they can be in my arms in Heaven one day.

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given...And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Isaiah 9:6