Free Therapy

I finally got a chance to visit with my counselor last week for the first time in a couple months. I've been meaning to make an appointment but I let life get in the way. I didn't think I could afford the time to go. After I went I realized, I couldn't afford not to.

As you know, I had been struggling through this six month mark for awhile. Well something occurred last week that really hit me. Hard. My cousin, Deaven, had an accident 17 months ago and miraculously survived. However, he survived with a brain injury that tremendously altered his quality of life. The doctors didn't think he would survive the days after his accident but he did. There were several occasions where they didn't see hope for him but then he would pull through. I just knew in my heart, God had a plan for him. It wasn't his time yet. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that he would just wake up and be as he was.

Well last week, God decided that it was Deaven's time. I got to see him the day his feeding tube was removed. I told him I loved him and I longed to give him a message for my babies but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Because I didn't want to give up on a miracle. I was devastated. Overly devastated. I felt like I was overreacting. Deaven and I hadn't seen each other in years. We were closer as kids and even then we didn't see each other often. But then I realized, my heart was broken for his mother. I couldn't bear to see someone else bury their child.

Ironically, I had my counseling session scheduled for right in the middle of Deaven's funeral. I rescheduled for two days later and I poured my heart out and looked for answers. This is what I learned.

I learned that I just relived the process of planning a funeral for my kids. I learned that I prayed for a miracle for Deaven the same way I prayed for Lila & Cole. And I was disappointed both times. I learned that I cannot sit on God's lap right now but only sit right beside Him. Because I don't trust Him like I used to. And I learned that was ok. Because He will never leave us or forsake us. Even when we do it to Him.

I learned that I am the one putting the pressure on myself and I've got to tell Sara to "shut up!". If I keep setting the bar too high, I will continue to fail myself.

I learned that I carry this burden but it has softened my heart.

As easy as these things sound now, I couldn't put it together before. Maybe those are answers for someone else reading this too. And if it is, I won't charge you the $85:)

Struggling

I'm back! I know I've gone longer than I like between posts this time but it couldn't be avoided.

Just a couple months ago, I complained about not having enough work to do at my job. Well ask and you shall receive! I've been so overloaded that I've had to work the last few weekends and late nights for the past week and half. And there are no signs of slowing down.

I'm going to be real honest today. I am struggling. It has been six months now and I feel like I am just hitting a wall. I remember my counselor telling us in the beginning that people going through grief have set backs around 3,6,& 9 months. Three months I was still hurting so much I don't think it affected me as much but six months is kicking my butt.

I cry as I drive myself into work several times a week. I feel so overwhelmed by any task I have to complete. I get so down on myself because I'm just too exhausted to lose these last 10 pounds and I have to wear the same three outfits every week. I feel like I have nothing some days because we still don't have a house, I have all this work to do but I still am not closing very many sales which means I don't get a paycheck and I don't have my babies.

I do realize that there are many things to be thankful for. I'm so blessed to have parents that have welcomed us with open arms to live in their home until we find one. I have wonderful in-laws who send us cards and always remind us that our children are not forgotten and I have a wonderful husband who walks this path with me every single day.

But I guess that's what depression does to us. It only reminds us of the bad. I need reminders of the good. I feel like I'm losing my fight. I just really feel lost and I don't feel strong, I feel broken.

So what now? I know most of the times I can answer my own questions but this time I can't. I don't know what God's plan is for us. I wish so much I could look into the future so I can just start doing what I'm supposed to do. I wish I had a clear direction right now, but that's not the way it works.

So I guess we wait. And we grieve. And we try to pass on the giant snickerdoodle cookie before church so we can lose the 10 pounds.

And if you ask me, all of those options stink.