An Ugly Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable Shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in the world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Heavy

Well it turns out the excitement is going to be short lived here. After careful consideration, I have decided to stop my meds and not go forward with IVF at this time.

It turns out that I have a freakish sensitivity to the medication that I am taking and it has sent me into a downward spiral that I am not willing to stay in. I've had about 8 of the 10 side effects that are listed and when I called the doctor to tell them about it, they were shocked. Most patients have zero side effects.

The main side effect that I'm concerned about is depression. While I don't feel like I'm in a "deep dark place" I do see that I am void of feeling anything. When you're in a place like that, it's hard to remember what you're fighting for.

With that being said, I don't think this is the right time for bringing a child into the equation. If I had known this would happen, I could have pumped myself up enough to work through it. This has really blindsided us and I think we need to take a step back and see what happens after this medicine runs out of my system. Then we can decide if we want to try again.

I thank you all so much for your support. We couldn't walk any of this road without it. I do ask you however to please not press us about this issue. I'm not really in a place where I want to talk about it further and I will let you know when I am.

In spite of all this "heaviness", we do have some positive news on the horizon. We have signed a contract to have a house built and they have already broken ground. Things are moving along smoothly so far and we are glad to be moving forward with this part of our future.