So where am I now you ask? I'm a little all over the place so this post may seem the same way:)
I still miss my babies like crazy and I still question my faith everyday. I do feel like I had a breakthrough one night last week as I read a long awaited book that finally came out and it walked me through some emotions I hadn't visited in a while.
It also walked me through some conversations with God I hadn't had in a while. I think that was the nicest part about it. If you or someone you know has ever dealt with the death of a child, you have to read this book.
I'm trying really hard to balance work and my personal life. Sometimes there is no line drawn between the two. I'm focusing on keeping a strict schedule so that I don't overcommit or run myself into the ground. It's going pretty well but I still need to keep at it. I've realized that I am using work as a way to validate myself and justify my purpose. Part of me feels like I failed my family when I lost Lila & Cole and I use my work as a place to succeed. By doing this, I'm only setting myself up to fail again. Because at the end of the day, work is not what is most important. And my customer's opinion of me is not more valuable than my husband's.
Something exciting that happened this past weekend is that Steve and I became godparents!
We were so honored when we were asked to be Lucas' godparents and it is not a title that we will take lightly.
Lucas was born just a couple months after Lila & Cole were born and we were still very raw. I wasn't sure how I would feel when he got here and I was very nervous to face those emotions. I have to tell you that God prepared my heart and has used Lucas as a way to help us heal. As soon as we laid eyes on him, we instantly fell in love with him and I think Steve and I both feel a special bond that has helped fill a void in us. It's not so much that we feel that we've transferred our love for our children to him, but more that we feel a happiness and a hope when we're with him. And for two parents who buried their babies to feel that way about someone else's child I think is a big deal.
Sometimes I muddle through my day and feel so stuck in this "place" that we're in. We don't seem to moving forward in any direction in our lives. We still don't have a home. We don't know where we stand with my fertility and we just don't seem to be working towards anything. I wonder sometimes if God forgot about me.
Life was so fast paced this time last year and He seemed to appear everywhere to me. Now, He seems so far away. I guess He is sometimes because that's exactly where I put Him. But then I convict myself. Because I know better. And I'll pray and He will do some little thing to let me know, "I'm still here". Whether it be a cross in the clouds when I asked for a sign or by having a little girl by the name of "Lyla" be baptized on the same day as Lucas.
All it takes is for me to let Him know "I'm still here" and He reveals himself. Because He will never leave us or forsake us, even when we do it to Him.
