Happy Halloween!

We're Moving!!!

That's right, we finally sold our house and we just found out that we have to close on Wednesday.

We are scrambling to get things packed up and hauled off by this weekend. That being said, we are having a moving sale on Saturday.

We hope this will be successful considering the weather report but we will be there rain or shine.

We are selling a sectional sofa, exercise equipment, luggage, computer desk and chair and other miscellaneous items.

So if you want to buy or sell or just visit then please come by anytime after 7:00am. 5419 Cannonwood Dr. 40229

No pictures, Just words

I hope you enjoyed hearing about our trip last week. Sometimes I don't know if I'm writing to myself or if people are actually still reading this blog.

I know I have at least one reader who so sweetly took the time to write and mail us a special note after she saw the faces of our children.

Andrea, you'll never know how much your words meant to us. I received that card on one of my worst days and it reminded me what I'm fighting for. Thank you.

I did receive an email and a couple text messages after we posted the video and I also want to say "thank you" to those who did that. We needed to hear those words of encouragement as I doubted myself many times about posting those pictures.

Steve and I are working so hard every day to figure out what this new life without our children is going to be. Some days I think we are making so much progress and then some days we get our legs pulled right out from under us. We're working on the new dynamic of our marriage because now we have to play different roles for each other. I have to figure out how to be this person as I go back to work in a week and what role this whole thing will play in that.

Despite these things, I would say that we are just ok. Some days are really good and some days are really bad. I think "OK" is a good mixture of both. We have our faith and we have a great counselor and we have two huge families and many friends that are there when we need them. Most importantly, we have each other. And sometimes, that's all we need. Sometimes, we have to work this out between us because ultimately, we're the only ones who know what this feels like. We're the only ones who had Lila & Cole and that makes this story different from anyone who ever went through this and everyone who ever will.

I also think that it will take some time. As of now it's only been two months and it makes me sadder with every day that passes because I feel like it gets me further away from them. I am going to try hard, for the rest of my life, to hang on to every little piece of them I have. And I will talk about them and remember them and do things for them and I hope that you will embrace that as a part of me. As a part of us.

So I hope that as we are figuring these things out, that you will just love us and know that we're going to be ok. I think we're going to be better than ok. I think we are going to come out of this better people and I hope the same for everyone who shared this journey with us.

Salt Lake City

State Capital building:

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One day we drove into the city and mainly walked around Temple Square while we were there.

For the 13 million Latter-day Saints around the world, this is the historic and spiritual center of the church.

The square is in the middle of the downtown area and holds the iconic Salt Lake Temple:

The Mormon Tabernacle:

and The Assembly Hall:

as well as many other historical buildings.

While we were walking around the Temple (you can't go inside unless you are a participating member of the church), we saw 7 wedding parties. All were taking pictures side by side, all the way around the building, all at the same time. We asked one of the volunteers at the building, what the heck was going on. He said that on that day, they had 27 weddings scheduled. And not only that, it appears that was a slow day. They normally have about 50 weddings a day at the temple! The wedding planning business is certainly not feeling the effects of the economy in Salt Lake City.

We also swung by the stadium


and saw where the Olympic torch was lit


And I'll end this post with my favorite picture of the day:


I can't imagine why this is my favorite;)

Name Game

All of these images were taken from signs we saw on our trip. Neat Huh?
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One of the places we visited was the Utah Olympic Park.

You may remember that in 2002, Salt Lake City hosted the Winter Olympics. The indoor events were held in the city, but the outdoor events were hosted about 45 minutes away in Park City.

Ski jumps:



While we were visiting, there was a Korean team practicing the bobsled:


But they weren't allowed to practice on the ice:



We also saw someone from the American team at ski practice:

He was VERY handsome:)

Perspective

Sunrise: Park City, Utah




I just have to share that I had a major breakthrough last week. Anyone who knows me knows that I am the worst when it comes to flying. Usually I will work myself up for days anticipating having to get on an airplane. Our flight left last Tuesday for Salt Lake City and I have to say that for the first time in my entire life, I was not afraid to get on that plane.

I thought at first maybe I was just being tough, and that when it came to actually sitting on the plane that I would in fact panic. But it didn't happen. What did happen was that I was 30,000 feet closer to my babies. And when we were in Utah, I was 7,000 feet closer to my babies.

I guess what really happened was "perspective". Silly things that used to matter just don't anymore. I have had life changing experiences happen to me before where this "perspective" came into play. And that changed my life for a while, but then I slowly drifted back into my old ways and worried about the same things that I did before. I hope that I can hold on to this feeling and never let it go. I hope, if nothing else, that you can take this experience and let it change your "perspective" too.

Sunset:

Wave of Light 10-15-09

Sending love from "The Heffelmire's"



Sending love from "The Lehr/Scholl's"



Sending love from Mommy & Daddy

(yes, that's the mountains in the background)










I liked all my pictures and I couldn't choose between them so I posted them all. The first picture was taken from our balcony at the resort we stayed in and the next two were taken on our coffee table inside the suite. The last picture was taken at the restaurant where we ate that evening. They had crayons to write on the tablecloth and they just so happened to have a candle on the table also so it worked out for the occasion.

I know there were others who lit candles and didn't send pictures and I just want to say Thank You for participating. If you did light a candle and didn't tell us then please still let us know:)

I also wanted to show off the necklace that my sweet friend Julie got for me:

She also gave one of these to my mom and Sheri so that we all have something special to wear to carry Lila & Cole with us everyday. Thank you so much Julie!

I will be posting updates from our trip to Park City, Utah this week so check back in to see what we were up to;)

FYI

Check back in with us on Thursday....I'm trying to get something special together to honor Lila & Cole for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day:)

Love

The Results are In

This is how the story goes:

I awoke at 1:50 am on Thursday, August 20, 2009 to find that my water had broke. I had no pain, no bleeding, nothing to indicate a problem. We rushed to the closest emergency room (Jewish at Brooks) and waited there for at least two hours until they transferred us to Suburban. When we got there, they immediately listened to TWO heartbeats and did an ultrasound. I finally saw a doctor around 7am (I'm a little sketchy on that detail but it's close). The doctor said that somewhere between Brooks and Suburban, Lila's heart stopped beating. Apparently when they let us listen to the heartbeats, they picked up Cole's twice. However, when we were at Brooks, they also listened to the heartbeats and they definitely heard Lila's. I had gotten to hear my daughters heartbeat one last time...

I was taken right away and given an epidural and was told that Cole was still alive so I couldn't push to deliver Lila. That poor baby had to work her own way down the birth canal to be born. She had to sacrifice herself to save her brother. Several hours it took her to come, and at 3:33 pm she finally made it. We got to spend beautiful hours with just our daughter, holding her and loving her.

After this, the high risk doctor came in to tell us the grim news. Lila's placenta had not followed her out and we had to make decisions. We did not know if the placenta's were attached or separate, so there were several scenarios that could occur. She said we could choose to deliver Cole and not chance him staying in the womb and developing downs syndrome, cerebral palsy, etc...or him coming maybe a couple weeks later and not making it anyway. If we let Cole stay in, there was a dangerous risk to me that I would incur an infection and my life would be in danger. Or we could just wait and see if Lila's placenta came out on its own. I told that doctor that we choose life. Not by our hand would our son be delivered. We would deal with whatever we had to. She then told me that if my life was in danger, she would not let me choose.

Only a short while longer at 6:39pm, did we learn that the placenta's were in fact attached and Cole made his way into the world. Our son still had a heartbeat. Our son had life in this world. While we held and loved him, he died in our arms and Jesus welcomed him into his.



We chose not to have autopsies done on the babies but the placentas were sent out for testing. Two weeks later we met with our doctor only to have her tell us, "We have no idea what happened". There were no signs that indicated a problem. The only answer we got was "Sometimes these things happen". I had odds stacked against me with having gone through invitro and having multiples. I didn't have an incompetent cervix because it took me hours to dilate to 1 cm. There was no bleeding when my water broke so it wasn't a placental abruption.

We got a second opinion from the doctor who delivered our babies and she couldn't find a solution either. We contacted our fertility doctor in Cincinnati and he couldn't say either. So the good news is that they can't find one thing wrong with me and the bad news is that we lost our babies and they can't find one thing wrong with me.

All of our doctors have encouraged us to try again. This problem doesn't necessarily repeat itself. This problem happens more than we know, that's why we have the March of Dimes. People are out there trying so hard to find the cause of preterm labor to stop it altogether. It's a medical mystery.

I had my 6 week postpartum checkup yesterday and was given the "all clear". Our next step is meeting with a High Risk specialist and getting their opinion on where we should go from here. We're not sure what step we want to take next, but we want all the information we can get so that when we're ready, we'll know what we have to work with.

Along with Breast Cancer, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Please join us and people all around the world for the "Wave of light" as we light candles at 7 pm (your time zone) to remember all our babies that we have lost. If everyone leaves a candle burning for at least one hour, a Wave of Light will burn across the globe. What a wonderful memorial for our children. Steve and I will be in Utah on this day, but we will have our candles burning bright to remember our children and all 31 names that I had on my list from the walk. I will hold them with me on that day.