Grieving 101

I have been thinking alot about this grieving process. I have lost loved ones before, but I have never grieved before as I have now. Not to this extent.

I don't want to belittle the relationships that I've had with my grandparents and my uncles and others who have passed away. Those were a lifetime worth of relationships. I only knew my babies for a fraction of that time. But, somehow, the loss was ten times greater.

I can imagine that those previous losses must had impacted others the same way that I feel now. If I had only known...

If I had known what that feeling was like, I could have been a better support to them. I don't think it's possible to grasp that feeling until you've experienced it yourself. That's why I think it's so important to see this as a gift. We now have a unique glimpse into a process that so many other people will experience and maybe that means we can help pave the way for them to begin their own journey of grief.

If I may, which I know I can because this is my blog and I can do what I want, Ha!, I would like to share some things that helped us and continue to help along the way.

-The day we came home from the hospital, we immediately received a flower delivery. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that this would happen, but, it hadn't. I was immediately panicked and didn't want to look at it because people received flowers for funerals and I was in denial that I was going to plan a funeral for my babies. Steve, however, needed that reassurance that people were trying to reach out to us even if they didn't quite know how. That was enough for him. People didn't have to call us directly or come by (we didn't really want to have direct contact with people for the first couple days anyway but it was wonderful to know you had contacted or saw our parents) so the cards and flowers were enough. After a day, I came to appreciate the flowers as well and I looked forward to receiving them. I also want to note that I received a bouquet of two dozen lavendar roses and, in all my life, those were the most beautiful flowers I had ever seen. If ever in doubt of what to send, send those.

-Cards, Cards, Cards. After the first week had passed, the highlight of my day was going to the mailbox and finding cards. I know I have already told several people this, but, I never realized the importance of that gesture until I was in a position to need it. We received at least one card every day for a full month. Wow. To everyone who battled with sending a card and finally gave in, even if it was several weeks or even a month later, that was God. I have no doubt in my mind. God knew we would need those cards not all at once, but spaced out, just to keep us going. Many people want to show their condolences right away and that is wonderful. It is just as wonderful to receive condolences a month or two later after the dust has settled. Even now we receive "follow up" cards and we cherish those. It lets us know our chidren are not forgotten.

-Several people would call and say "Let me know if you need anything" or "Call when you feel like getting together".

I want to stop right here and handle this very carefully. I don't want to discount anyone's intentions with these statements. I have said these same things many times myself and meant it with all my heart. I just want to let you know what I learned from my own grief.

We didn't know what we needed. We were numb. And the last thing we wanted to do was ask anyone for anything. My sweet friend, Candice, handled this situation better than I could have imagined. Candice had lost a baby to miscarriage just a couple months after our ectopic so I know that we have a kindred spirit by being broken mothers. After the first couple weeks, she called me every Friday and told me that she was coming to get me to take me to lunch. She made it a point to do this every week for quite some time. If she would had asked me up front, I probably would had said no. But she shoved her way in and I am so glad she did. I want to note that we are close enough of friends that she felt she could do that. That might not work for everyone. But I learned from that experience that sometimes you have to force yourself in or you will be left out. There were more people who did ask me and I did say no. However, they didn't quit asking. And that's the key. I might not had felt like it at that time, but there did come a time when I did and I'm glad that I didn't have to initiate it.

-Grieving is exhausting. This is a little bit of an extension of the last point. I didn't feel like getting up out of bed, much less planning a lunch date. I relied heavily on my mom and my mother-in-love to schedule and take me to follow up doctor appointments. They both handled taking down the nursery and returning the items to the baby store. They helped us handle the funeral arrangements and all the paperwork that went with it. They cleaned our house and did our laundry. We even had people offer to cut our grass. Those are all things that needed to be done but we were too depressed to do it ourselves and we would never dare ask anyone to do it for us. Those are things that you can do for people if you feel comfortable.

-Meals. Many people don't feel like eating in a crisis. I am not one of those people. Eating was one of the only "normal" things I could in my routine, so I did. However, the last thing we wanted to do was cook. Going out was not even an option either. That would require getting out of pajamas and putting makeup on and that was Not going to happen. Some people would take meals to our parents house and they would then bring it to us. That worked out great because it meant we had what we needed but we didn't have to entertain people. I had read about a girl who had a meal rotation with a group of girls in her Sunday School class. They were all about my age and all having babies. They decided that when ever one of them had a baby, they would all take turns making meals and every night (for several weeks)at an assigned time, they would drop the food on the front porch, ring the doorbell, then get back in the car and leave. That way, the new mom didn't have to make herself presentable or drop what she was doing with the baby and entertain someone for even a few minutes. When I heard that, I thought it was a wonderful idea (for anyone in a rough patch) and I hope to be able to do that for someone one day.

I have so many other things I could add but I feel this post is long enough. I will save them for another time. So many people have said they had no idea what to do for us. And I had no idea how to handle someone in this situation either. I hope some of these suggestions help and even validate the things that were done. We couldn't have made it through those first few months without help and we are so grateful to have had it. As you can see, every little thing became a part of the big picture to carry us through. From sending a card to doing our laundry, every little gesture meant so much and deserves to be recognized.


We are truly blessed...