Free Therapy

I finally got a chance to visit with my counselor last week for the first time in a couple months. I've been meaning to make an appointment but I let life get in the way. I didn't think I could afford the time to go. After I went I realized, I couldn't afford not to.

As you know, I had been struggling through this six month mark for awhile. Well something occurred last week that really hit me. Hard. My cousin, Deaven, had an accident 17 months ago and miraculously survived. However, he survived with a brain injury that tremendously altered his quality of life. The doctors didn't think he would survive the days after his accident but he did. There were several occasions where they didn't see hope for him but then he would pull through. I just knew in my heart, God had a plan for him. It wasn't his time yet. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that he would just wake up and be as he was.

Well last week, God decided that it was Deaven's time. I got to see him the day his feeding tube was removed. I told him I loved him and I longed to give him a message for my babies but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Because I didn't want to give up on a miracle. I was devastated. Overly devastated. I felt like I was overreacting. Deaven and I hadn't seen each other in years. We were closer as kids and even then we didn't see each other often. But then I realized, my heart was broken for his mother. I couldn't bear to see someone else bury their child.

Ironically, I had my counseling session scheduled for right in the middle of Deaven's funeral. I rescheduled for two days later and I poured my heart out and looked for answers. This is what I learned.

I learned that I just relived the process of planning a funeral for my kids. I learned that I prayed for a miracle for Deaven the same way I prayed for Lila & Cole. And I was disappointed both times. I learned that I cannot sit on God's lap right now but only sit right beside Him. Because I don't trust Him like I used to. And I learned that was ok. Because He will never leave us or forsake us. Even when we do it to Him.

I learned that I am the one putting the pressure on myself and I've got to tell Sara to "shut up!". If I keep setting the bar too high, I will continue to fail myself.

I learned that I carry this burden but it has softened my heart.

As easy as these things sound now, I couldn't put it together before. Maybe those are answers for someone else reading this too. And if it is, I won't charge you the $85:)

Struggling

I'm back! I know I've gone longer than I like between posts this time but it couldn't be avoided.

Just a couple months ago, I complained about not having enough work to do at my job. Well ask and you shall receive! I've been so overloaded that I've had to work the last few weekends and late nights for the past week and half. And there are no signs of slowing down.

I'm going to be real honest today. I am struggling. It has been six months now and I feel like I am just hitting a wall. I remember my counselor telling us in the beginning that people going through grief have set backs around 3,6,& 9 months. Three months I was still hurting so much I don't think it affected me as much but six months is kicking my butt.

I cry as I drive myself into work several times a week. I feel so overwhelmed by any task I have to complete. I get so down on myself because I'm just too exhausted to lose these last 10 pounds and I have to wear the same three outfits every week. I feel like I have nothing some days because we still don't have a house, I have all this work to do but I still am not closing very many sales which means I don't get a paycheck and I don't have my babies.

I do realize that there are many things to be thankful for. I'm so blessed to have parents that have welcomed us with open arms to live in their home until we find one. I have wonderful in-laws who send us cards and always remind us that our children are not forgotten and I have a wonderful husband who walks this path with me every single day.

But I guess that's what depression does to us. It only reminds us of the bad. I need reminders of the good. I feel like I'm losing my fight. I just really feel lost and I don't feel strong, I feel broken.

So what now? I know most of the times I can answer my own questions but this time I can't. I don't know what God's plan is for us. I wish so much I could look into the future so I can just start doing what I'm supposed to do. I wish I had a clear direction right now, but that's not the way it works.

So I guess we wait. And we grieve. And we try to pass on the giant snickerdoodle cookie before church so we can lose the 10 pounds.

And if you ask me, all of those options stink.

Show us Your Life

Today I am participating in Kelly's Korner: Show us your Life.

This wonderful world of blogging has not only helped me keep communication with my family and friends, it has also help me talk through my situations and find others who are going through some of the same things.

I have been ministered to by so many people through their blogs. Most of them don't even know I'm reading and have no idea how much they've helped me. It's just as simple as them telling their story and letting me follow along the way. I hope I am doing that for someone else as well.

If this is your first visit to my blog then Welcome! My name is Sara and this is our story:

My husband and I began trying to start a family five years ago. After a long year of trying, I finally became pregnant! We had one wonderful day of bliss. Then came several weeks of doctors appointments and blood tests, each time them telling me I was losing my baby. Eventually an ultrasound confirmed we had an ectopic pregnancy. I went through a series of methotrexate shots which dissolved the pregnancy. We thought that was the hardest thing we had gone through. But that's really only where our journey began...

Throughout the next few years, we continued trying to conceive naturally with no success and finally decided to take the next step to see a fertility specialist. We seem to have unexplained infertility. Since having a history of ectopic pregnancy, nobody would perform an IUI. Our next resort was IVF. We prayed over this decision and waited almost a year before we decided to go for it.

As we began our journey of IVF, we started this blog and included our family and friends in the process(One of best decisions we made!). We ended up harvesting 32 eggs and I had major hyperstimulation of my ovaries. We had our embryo transfer on our 6th wedding anniversary and we couldn't had been happier to celebrate our marriage that way.

Soon after the transfer, complications from the hyperstimulation landed me in the emergency room. That is when we found out that we were indeed pregnant!. It was confirmed a couple days later by our doctor, on my husbands birthday:)

A week or so later, we had our final ultrasound with our fertility doctor and were overjoyed to find out that we were having twins:) They would be named Lila & Cole. The next four months of pregnancy weren't without their obstacles, but nothing too bad we couldn't handle.

Then on August 20, 2009, at 22 weeks and on the day of a routine doctor appointment, my water broke. (You can read up on the events of that day here). Lila's heart had stopped beating and I had to deliver her. Cole was still doing fine but, their placentas were attached so 3 hours later he was also born.

We then went through the grueling process of planning an unexpected funeral for our babies. My heart goes out to anyone who has to go through that. We immediately signed up with a grief counselor at our church and even now, six months later, we still pop in for sessions.

We are learning every day what our "new normal" is. This journey is different for everyone. I'd never dealt with grief in this capacity before and it is slowly becoming my friend. In a good way. In a way that I'm learning how to miss my babies and reintegrate myself back into living.

We have waited a reasonable amount of time, at the suggestion of our doctors, before trying to conceive again. We have four frozen embryos left from our IVF but we are not going to pursue to use them at this time.

We would like to start trying again to grow our family and we could use every prayer we can get! We know this new journey will not be without hesitation or lack of patience. I pray for these virtues often but I am human and don't want to present myself as the "invincible woman". I am far from that. But I do believe in a God who is healing, loving, patient and invincible. And He has carried us this far, and He's not finished with me yet!

There are many gaps in this story and you are more than welcome to "catch up" with us by reading our older posts. We have learned so many things through our experiences and we hope to not "waste" it. I have a heart for people suffering through infertility and loss like never before. We know that God had a purpose with our children's lives and we are constantly looking for ways to fulfill that. I hope that our story can make other Mothers (or mothers in waiting) not feel so lonely in their struggle. I hope our story is one of hope and encouragement.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11


I want to send out a huge THANK YOU to all the bloggers out there who haved shared their struggles and their joys.

And Kelly Stamps, if you have made your way to reading this post, I want to say again, Thank You for following God's purpose for your life. You have such a heart for women, especially those with infertility, and you have encouraged me and prayed for me and I am genuinely grateful for that!

Happy Valentine's Day

Steve has outdone himself again.

For the past few years, instead of going out to dinner on Valentine's Day, we stay in and Steve surprises me with his culinary expertise.

You might remember the wonderful dinner he made for us last year that featured crab legs as the main course. He told me that he made that because he knew how much I loved crab legs. I proceeded to tell him that, although that is very sweet, I have in fact never had a crab leg before and that they are actually my sister in law Tasha's favorite dish. Meanwhile, the crab legs were very good and now I can add them to my list of dishes I like.

Well this year, he succeeded in making one of my favorite dishes. We had lobster tails mixed with crab meat, asparagus and red potatoes.
I have to say, that was one of the best dinners I have ever had and there is no way I could have gone out and paid $100 for a meal and it be better than what he cooked. I asked him why he doesn't cook things like that for us all the time!

He wrapped up the meal by surprising me with Bananas Foster.

Let me tell you, this is not an easy dessert to pull off. Evidently the rum he added was not very flammable (somehow the picture makes it seem way more elaborate than what the pitiful flame actually was)so we ended up starting over and leaving out the rum. So I guess it turns out we had banana sundaes. Either way, it was a perfect dinner.

Switching gears now.

So, speaking of my sister in law, Tasha, we have some exciting news to share. I am pleased to announce that her and my brother, Chris, are expecting a new addition to their family! I've already told them that they will have a little girl and she will be sweet just like her momma.

Tasha has been a wonderful sister to me and I don't think my brother could have picked a more perfect person to be his wife. My dad will tell you that Chris definitely overmarried:) I'm so glad that she now gets to add "loving mother" to this list. My brother has a 19 year old son, Shawn, so needless to say, he is out of practice!

We are so excited for this little one to make it's way into our hearts. And while it doesn't fill the void of what we all are missing, it does remind us that life begins again and it is a wonderful blessing for our family.

March for Babies

You may have noticed on the sidebar of our blog, a link to the March of Dimes that says "Join Our Team". We have decided to start our own Family Team this year for the March for Babies!

We have participated in this walk before with my friend Candice. She has a cutie of a daughter named Nataly who was born premature. Because of the great research and awareness the March of Dimes has, we are celebrating a very healthy Nataly's birthday this week:)

You all know that this organization is very dear to my heart because we too had premature babies who didn't get the chance to fight. But prematurity has hit close to home long before now. I've had several family members who were born early but especially one that I now call my sister.

Hannah was born at almost 25 weeks at 1 pound 6 ounces. She fought so hard and I'm sure there medical advances that were funded by the March of Dimes that helped her in her fight. I met Hannah when she was three years old and, although I wasn't there when she was born, I feel like I've relived the experience to some degree through pictures and stories from our family. And with my experience as well, I look at her today and realize what a "miracle" she is.

You all have been so generous in your donations that have been made over these past few months. I want to assure you that these donations are not something that I take lightly. It's not just a gesture to me. More, it's a statement. By your gift I feel like you are saying that Lila & Cole deserved a chance. And we are making a stand and saying "We are going to fight this"! So that next time, they will live.

All you have to do is click on the link on the sidebar and it will direct you to create a profile to be added to our team. It will ask what your personal fundraising goal is and you can leave that blank if you choose. Otherwise, the money you raise from your personal page will be added to the team's fund.

There are some details that I still need to sort out, like T-shirts, and also I would love some suggestions on a team name. Right now we are just listed as Team Lila & Cole. If you can think of something more creative that would define us, please, please send me your suggestions!

The walk will be on Saturday, May 8th at 9:00am at Slugger Field. That is Mother's Day weekend. I can't think of a better way to be a Mom than to fight for our children.

Please take a stand with us. We are raising money if you choose to support us that way, but it is not required. You are more than welcome to just walk with us. Come be with us and support us in any way you can.

What's your story?

I'm gonna go out on a limb and try something new here. This is something that has been on my mind for a while and I've had so many "signs" lately that are pushing me even harder to post this experiment.

I have felt so blessed that I've been able to share our story with so many people. It's amazing the amount of support and camaraderie that we've built with people from this experience. It's also amazing the amount of healing and prayer that we have received.

I think that there is a defining moment in all our lives that creates "Our Story". If someone would had asked me a year ago what "My Story" was, I would had said:

My husband and I lost a baby four years ago and we have been trying ever since to start a family. I struggle with infertility and self confidence. My story is one of loss, insecurity, faith and impatience.

And then came August 20th. And my story is forever changed.

So this is the deal. I want to know "Your Story". I want for everyone who reads this post to leave an ANONYMOUS comment and tell me "Your Story". No names means no indication to who it might be. There are people who read this that I don't know personally and I want everyone to have complete confidentiality so, if there are no names, I can 100% say I have no idea whose story belongs to who.

Your story might be happy or sad. It might be recent or old. It might even be the same as mine. Regardless, it's Yours and it matters.

I want to do this because I know what it means to share something with someone who, turns out, has been there too.

I want to do this because it has helped me heal to be able to share and I would love to pray for others who may need it as much as I do.

I want to do this because some stories have happy endings and some are so awesome that they need to be told.

Most importantly, I lived in a bubble for a long time and didn't realize how many different things people go through on a daily basis. After my babies died, I would be out somewhere in public and someone would be so rude or inconsiderate and I would think to myself, "They have no idea I just buried my babies". Now when I feel the urge to judge or be impatient with someone I have to tell myself "They could have just buried their babies too".

Obviously, there's no need for me to have anonymity so I'll go first:

I lost a baby five years ago and have been struggling with infertility and trying to start a family ever since. Steve and I went through the invitro process last year and were blessed with Lila & Cole. And at 22 weeks, on August 20, 2009, we lost them. My story is one of loss, joy, hope,faith and healing. My story is that God is doing a work in me and I hope to share this for His Glory.

So now you tell me, What's Your Story?

22 Weeks

Today is a milestone for us that many of you may not realize. Today is 22 weeks since our babies were born. After today, we will officially have been longer without them than we were with them.

Yesterday morning I was laying in bed thinking about the previous day. I had a busy day on Tuesday and I couldn't remember if I thought about Lila & Cole at all that day. I came just short of panicking because that is not something that I am ready for yet. I know that there will come a day when that will be the case, but I hope it's not a day that comes soon.

I feel like I'm slipping further and further away all the time. I used to go to the cemetery, without fail, at least once a week. Now I might stretch it to 10 days. I do, however, always go to the special blessing once a month Deacon Bob does at the cemetery unless I have been out of town.

Steve made a comment a while back that he thought "I was stuck in the moment of losing them." I admitted that I was stuck in that moment because that's where I was comfortable and that's where I felt closest to them. I miss that moment sometimes. I even miss that pain. As odd as that sounds, it's hard to move forward without them.


I have a couple of special necklaces that were given to me in honor of Lila & Cole and I always try to wear one of those or my March of Dimes bracelet everyday. As I laid there thinking yesterday, I remembered that I had worn my bracelet on Tuesday so I know that, if even for a moment, I did in fact think of my babies.


And I carried them in my heart and on my wrist that day.