Just Checking In

I haven't felt led to post anything lately. I've been sort of scattered . I'm still trying to get back into the swing of things with work and we are tirelessly looking for a home.

We could really use your prayers as far as the house hunting goes. We have found a preforeclosure home that we really love but we just don't feel certain about it. We also have always known we wanted to build our own home but we are having tremendous trouble finding a lot. Would you please pray that God would lead us where He wants us to be and that we would have peace about our decision?

These next few weeks are sneaking up on us really fast. December 20th was my due date. I recognize that this date is faulty in the sense that Lila & Cole probably would had been born already anyway because twin pregnancies rarely go that far. But I hold onto that date because we knew they definitely would have been here by then and it's just one more piece of their story. Sometimes I feel like that's all this is. A Story. It seems like it can't really be happening. Like I'm just a narrator looking from the outside in. It seems like there will never be an end to this story. That the hurt will feel this intense forever. I guess part of me doesn't want it to go away. I have befriended my grief. But I do want to learn to live with it. And I do want to be able to not cry at work because someone took my tape dispenser...

I haven't been to counseling for some time now. I felt like I was talking in circles and I just needed a break from it. I think that time has done me good. I'm putting into action the things I have learned there. (Meanwhile, the tape dispenser incident put me right back on the therapist couch ) It was nice to just check in with my counselor after this short break and she assured me that we were handling this extremely well and that God does indeed have a purpose for our babies' lives. It is nice to be reminded of that every now and then.

I am so grateful for the many wonderful people in our lives. We are still receiving cards and gifts for our babies. We received a card in the mail yesterday, which I was certain was the first Christmas card of the season. I was pleasantly surprised when I opened it to find that it was a card of encouragement.

We certainly appreciate the donations that have been made. We are working on something special to give to those who make donations to the March of Dimes in honor of Lila & Cole and we hope to have that soon.

Please keep us in your prayers these next few weeks. Instead of shopping for Christmas gifts for our babies, we shop for an arrangement to put on their grave. When we should be telling people "all we want for Christmas is presents for the babies" we instead just want for their headstone to finally be installed.

We want so badly to be in the Christmas spirit but we can't. The only thing I can focus on is what Christmas in Heaven will be like this year. But in the meantime, I want to celebrate the birth of a very special baby. A Baby that was born so that my babies may be held in Heaven's arms this Christmas. A Baby that was born so that they can be in my arms in Heaven one day.

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given...And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Isaiah 9:6