Fight for Preemies

I know I've been silent for awhile. I've had a lot of adjustments to survive these past couple of weeks.

For starters, we had an appointment the first of this month with a High Risk Specialist. He was the same doctor that performed our level II ultrasound just a few weeks before the babies were born. We felt good about him at that time and also received a recommendation from one of his patients.

It did not occur to me that we would have our appointment with him at the same place we had the ultrasound. I say this because that office consists of one ultrasound room and one office. I just assumed that was a satellite location, not his actual office. So once again, I had to sit in that waiting room where I had to hear the grim news about our ectopic pregnancy. And now that place holds another memory for us because it was the last time we saw Lila alive.

Unfortunately, the doctor didn't read our chart until a couple minutes before he called us back. We could tell he was very uncomfortable which didn't make for a great meeting. I'm really not sure why we were there. It doesn't seem that he told us anything we didn't already know. He said the same things we've heard before about we don't know why these things happen and there's no reason you shouldn't try again. I asked him if there were any more tests that we needed to have to make sure there isn't a problem and he said "NO".

So that's pretty much it. We don't have any more appointments scheduled with any other doctors. I think we've exhausted our resources searching for answers. The bottom line appears to be that we had strikes against us for having in vitro, multiple babies, the hyper stimulation of my ovaries couldn't have helped anything, and the fact that sometimes "these things happen and we don't know why". And these answers are what we'll have to live with.

I also started back to work. It has been harder and easier than I expected. It's been harder in the sense that the phone rang at work the other day and I saw the name on the caller id. I knew it was for me but I couldn't remember for the life of me who it was. Even as I began talking to him I couldn't place him. It was someone that I knew really well. I quickly gathered myself and did remember everything, just not as soon as I would have liked. I seem to have these brain warps every once in a while.

It has been easier in the sense that when I'm at home, and feeling terrible, and I don't feel like interacting with anyone, I go to work and I am forced to do this and it sort of breaks me out of that funk. That has pretty much been my secret in dealing with any of this. I do it because I have to.


We've read some books and attended a workshop about grief during the holidays and they all say the same thing. They say to continue your traditions that you had with your loved ones or create a new tradition. We didn't get the chance to have holiday traditions with Lila & Cole. We don't know what those traditions would have been so we don't know the best way for us to approach them. The fact of the matter is, that we haven't even remotely fallen back into our old routines. Our lives are so upside down from how it used to be that it's impossible for us to do that. We don't live in the same place, things at work have changed while we've been gone, and there is a huge void in our family that will always be there.

This is a new stage in life for us and we're doing it the best we can. Because we have to. I just want to thank everybody for being patient with us. I've learned that there is no "rule book" to follow in these circumstances. I've also learned that there is no "rule book" for those who love us to know what to do. I wish so much that one day I could write one because that is exactly what I would have liked to have. Just tell me how to do this and I'll do it. (That's a catchy title huh?)

Today is also the March of Dimes "Fight for Preemies" day. Please click on the link on the sidebar and read the short description about this day. You may also have noticed that someone set up a band to donate to the March of Dimes in honor of Cole & Lila. If you feel so led, you can click on the band and make a donation to a cause that hopefully will one day find the reason why my babies can't be here with me now and find a way to stop it from ever happening again.