Thankful

Today is a day that is greeted with much anticipation. Many months ago, I wondered if I would be able to get out of bed on this day or would I be on bedrest. I wondered if I would be able to eat Thanksgiving dinner or would I be so huge I wouldn't even want to think about eating. I even wondered if Lila & Cole would have already graced us with their presence, as I knew they probably would be born early.

Then just weeks ago, I wondered if I would be able to get out of bed on this day. Would I feel like eating? How much would I miss Cole & Lila today?

The best thing that I know now is to not make plans for these sorts of things. There is no way for us to know the future and there is no way to plan for it in this capacity.

We made a new plan this year for Thanksgiving. This will be the first time in my life that I will spend the holiday with two people instead of thirty. I feel like I am a person of tradition and I will very much miss being with my family today. But also I am glad that our plan for today will not be hectic and that we can avoid the chaos and just be able to feel. That is an important part of this process for me and if I'm distracted, then it will come crashing down on me later.

A while ago, I wished that I could just rip all the holidays off the calender for the rest of the year. I certainly was in no mood to go around a table and say what I was thankful for. My mind is clouded sometimes and I can't see past what I've lost. Some days this still holds true. But I'm trying to grow and I'm trying to learn that I have lost a lot, but there are still silver linings.

So today I am tremendously missing my babies. But, today I am thankful for twenty little fingers and twenty little toes.
I am thankful for heartbeats and sweet little kicks inside my belly. I am thankful for morning sickness and heartburn. I am thankful for natural childbirth. I am thankful to be a mom. I am thankful for a God who has a plan for us and that loved Cole & Lila so much, that He brought them back to Heaven to prepare a place for us.

I am also thankful for family and friends who face awkwardness and fumble for words but do it anyway, and in their own time, because they so desperately want to show us how much they care. I am thankful that these very people, allow us to be the same way.