Christmas in Heaven

Today is Christmas Eve and the tears started as soon as my feet hit the floor. I don't want it to be Christmas if they can't be here.

I have tried distracting myself with shopping, wrapping and cooking but it was inevitable I guess. And it's not even that this should be the end of it. Christmas may had seemed like it was the last milestone for making plans, but I already had thoughts reeling in my head of what I would do for their first birthday party. I had already pictured in my head our baby dedication at church. I pictured Easter outfits and Halloween costumes. It's neverending. But somehow, with Christmas here, it just seems so final.

The thing that is most hard for me to grasp is that I still wake up some days and feel like none of this ever happened. I mean, how could something like this happen to anyone? And it's not that I feel like I'm in denial. I feel like I'm a million miles away from acceptance.

I know that I had trouble this year even thinking of something to put on my Christmas list. But whether I got to keep them or bury them, My children were still the greatest gift of all and I would do it all over again if given the chance. You see, even through the pain there is joy. Through the sadness, there were smiles. These are our children and they were beautiful and I am just so proud of them.

I tried to picture this morning what Christmas is like in Heaven. Do they have a gigantic birthday party with presents and cake? Do they play games with the children and sing Happy Birthday Jesus? I hope they do. I hope that Christmas is the biggest day of the year in Heaven and I'm glad that the first birthday my babies get to celebrate is Jesus'.