A New Year

To sit down today and try to reflect on this past year is just impossible. I still can't wrap my mind around it. What seems like a blink of the eye has actually encompassed an entire year. And the last day of the year is still a day of loss for us.

It was this very day, four years ago, that we learned our lives would never be the same. On December 31, 2005 we learned that the baby we had longed so much for, was in fact an ectopic pregnancy and thus began the emotional rollercoaster of us trying to start a family. The difference between now and then is that, at that time, I tried to keep it a secret.

I found out I was pregnant just a couple weeks before Christmas. We immediately knew that we wouldn't dare say anything until Christmas day and that it would be the best surprise ever. Steve and I had one glorious day to celebrate and then we learned there was a problem. Even then, we tried to deal with it alone, so as not to upset anyone with bad news. I went to the doctor numerous times alone, each visit hearing them tell me I was probably losing my baby. I had hit my breaking point and we finally told our parents because it was too much to bear alone.

After I was treated for the ectopic, we decided to go ahead and let everyone else know what had happened. It was during that time that I realized we had made a mistake by not telling everyone up front. It was harder to tell that story after it was over. We didn't have the support during the time we needed it most. I vowed never to do that again.

And that brings us here. An entire twisted, wonderful, anxious, horrible, blessed year has gone by. And we didn't go through a second of it alone. I can't find the words adequate enough to express how much you all have meant to us this year. Can you imagine if we tried to travel this journey alone? Thank you for not allowing that to happen. Thank you for being there for the good and the bad. Thank you for bearing your souls to us as we have to you. Thank you for letting our family become a part of yours.

As the New Year approaches, I don't feel like making resolutions. Rather, I would like to implement the things that I've learned this past year and just try to help other people. I don't want an experience like this to go to waste. I do want to have hope and trust God has a plan for us this year.

We are going to continue on our path to have more children. I think that the doctors have made it clear that it is safe to do so and I think that we have resolved in our minds that we would like to try again. We are not going to seek medical intervention at this time. Maybe being pregnant has helped "fix" whatever seemed to be broken. Regardless, we trust that God can allow us to get pregnant with or without medicine and we are going to pray that He would show us His timing and what His plan will be for us.

I hope that we will continue to have your support as we continue our journey. I hope that this time next year, this New Years Eve post will have a totally different tone. After all, alot can happen in a year............

"Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride"