God is in the details

We've already established that I am not a perfect person. Well I'm not perfect in my faith either. I'll be honest, I have had my doubts about God's hand in this from the moment the doctor told me Lila's heart stopped beating. Right after the doctor told me that, I made everybody leave the room, including Steve. I just needed to be alone with Him. I didn't even cry because I was so angry. I was angry that He would let this happen to me. Had I not been faithful? Had I needed to be tested this much? Why did we deserve this?

These questions will probably never be answered on this side of heaven. I know that. And most of the angry feelings have now passed. I couldn't see beyond what was right in front of me that day. I didn't need to. That wasn't my time. But I now can look back on everything that has happened since August 20th, and see how God has been walking beside us this whole time.

It just so happened that we found out that I would need to be prepared to deliver Lila right when there was a shift change at the hospital. It just so happened that the sweetest nurse there was happened to be assigned to me. It just so happened that the nurse we were given, has her picture hanging in the halls of the hospital because she was awarded an Outstanding Nurses award. That sweet lady stayed with us for two hours past her shift just to share that day with us. I'm pretty sure I was her only patient that day and so many times she sat and cried with me. She in fact, was a twin herself.

Steve's dad, Ray, had been trying mercilessly to get someone to take over his route at work so that he could get to us. It took hours for them to finally relieve him and he made it to the hospital just in time to hold his first born grandchild, Lila.

The day we had to bury our babies, I stood looking out the front door of our house and there were at least 30 birds sitting in our yard, staring back at me. They weren't shuffling around, just sitting still. It's as if they were mourning too.

The first time we went back to the cemetery to visit Lila and Cole, two dragonflies looped around my head and stayed with us for a few minutes. I've never seen another dragonfly there since that day.

Months ago, my mom had taken on a project to find a tree to plant in front of the Fern Creek/Highview ministries building to serve as their Love Light Tree. Every year at Christmas, you can purchase a light to be placed on the tree in memory of a loved one. She had trouble finding the specific type of tree that needed to be planted. A couple weeks after the babies were born, she finally found the perfect tree but it weighed over 600 pounds and she had no idea how she would get it planted, so it sat in the back of my dad's truck. A couple weeks ago, she drove me by the building so I could see where the tree would go. We pulled up to the building only to find about 30 eagle scouts there doing volunteer work. We were able to bring the tree to them and they planted it for us.

Not only that, but the pastor that serves that ministry said the tree should be planted in honor of Lila & Cole. A plaque is going to be placed in front of the Love Light Tree with Lila & Cole's names on it. Two more footprints left by my babies...

So many other things I could list here, but you get the idea. God was in the details.


One of the David Crowder songs that plays on this blog (All I Can Say) has the most applicable lyrics. It says:

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

God sometimes allows things to happen to us but that doesn't mean he's not carrying us. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt Him too. It doesn't mean that he's left us. Because you see,

God is always in the details