I'm not a perfect person

This is hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. A parent should never have to let their children go.

I know that I am a strong person and I know a lot of people have looked at me right now and wondered how I've been as strong as I have. I think that has finally caught up with me.

I have days now where I feel like I can't get out of bed, so I don't. I have days where I just want to cry, so I do. I have days where I just feel weak, so I am. These are all decisions that I make for myself. I can't control what happened to us, I can only control how I react to it. I wish that I could forge on to a normal life, but I can't. Because I'm not a perfect person.

I know that there will be a day when the phone calls and emails stop, and the cards stop coming in the mail. I'm glad that day hasn't come yet but I know one day it will. The world will go on, people's lives will go on, and we will be left still hurting. These are the days I dread. These are the days I don't know how I will do it.

I went back today and read through every post in this entire blog. It is so strange some of the things I said at the beginning of this year that are so applicable now but in a totally different context. Maybe deep down I knew about this all along. Maybe those words were written for encouragement then but also knowing I would need them now. It's hard to hear those words now even though I know them to be true.

I've talked about how God's ways are not necessarily our ways.

I've said "God always has a plan for us even when we can't see beyond what's right in front of us. We can only pray that He would open our eyes and show us His purpose."

I've said "that I would walk across fire time and again just to be able to have a family with you."

I've quoted: "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me". Phillipians 4:13

And I said "I have had to let go so much of myself in order to do this and, no matter what the outcome, I don't regret any moment of it. There is no price I wouldn't pay. We grew this child in our hearts long before it will ever grow in my body. "

Do I still believe these words? I do. Do I want to be reminded of these words even though I am so angry? I do. Do I regret any moment of this? Is there any price I wouldn't pay? No.

I held two precious babies in my arms. One baby girl who had her mom's nose and mouth and her daddy's long legs and one baby boy who had his dad's nose, his mom's chin and his mom's brown hair. Two precious little faces that mirrored our own. I NEVER wanted to give them back to God so quickly but what if I NEVER got to see the faces of our children. That I would have regretted.

So today I am so angry but that's ok. Because I am not a perfect person.