What's your story?

I'm gonna go out on a limb and try something new here. This is something that has been on my mind for a while and I've had so many "signs" lately that are pushing me even harder to post this experiment.

I have felt so blessed that I've been able to share our story with so many people. It's amazing the amount of support and camaraderie that we've built with people from this experience. It's also amazing the amount of healing and prayer that we have received.

I think that there is a defining moment in all our lives that creates "Our Story". If someone would had asked me a year ago what "My Story" was, I would had said:

My husband and I lost a baby four years ago and we have been trying ever since to start a family. I struggle with infertility and self confidence. My story is one of loss, insecurity, faith and impatience.

And then came August 20th. And my story is forever changed.

So this is the deal. I want to know "Your Story". I want for everyone who reads this post to leave an ANONYMOUS comment and tell me "Your Story". No names means no indication to who it might be. There are people who read this that I don't know personally and I want everyone to have complete confidentiality so, if there are no names, I can 100% say I have no idea whose story belongs to who.

Your story might be happy or sad. It might be recent or old. It might even be the same as mine. Regardless, it's Yours and it matters.

I want to do this because I know what it means to share something with someone who, turns out, has been there too.

I want to do this because it has helped me heal to be able to share and I would love to pray for others who may need it as much as I do.

I want to do this because some stories have happy endings and some are so awesome that they need to be told.

Most importantly, I lived in a bubble for a long time and didn't realize how many different things people go through on a daily basis. After my babies died, I would be out somewhere in public and someone would be so rude or inconsiderate and I would think to myself, "They have no idea I just buried my babies". Now when I feel the urge to judge or be impatient with someone I have to tell myself "They could have just buried their babies too".

Obviously, there's no need for me to have anonymity so I'll go first:

I lost a baby five years ago and have been struggling with infertility and trying to start a family ever since. Steve and I went through the invitro process last year and were blessed with Lila & Cole. And at 22 weeks, on August 20, 2009, we lost them. My story is one of loss, joy, hope,faith and healing. My story is that God is doing a work in me and I hope to share this for His Glory.

So now you tell me, What's Your Story?

22 Weeks

Today is a milestone for us that many of you may not realize. Today is 22 weeks since our babies were born. After today, we will officially have been longer without them than we were with them.

Yesterday morning I was laying in bed thinking about the previous day. I had a busy day on Tuesday and I couldn't remember if I thought about Lila & Cole at all that day. I came just short of panicking because that is not something that I am ready for yet. I know that there will come a day when that will be the case, but I hope it's not a day that comes soon.

I feel like I'm slipping further and further away all the time. I used to go to the cemetery, without fail, at least once a week. Now I might stretch it to 10 days. I do, however, always go to the special blessing once a month Deacon Bob does at the cemetery unless I have been out of town.

Steve made a comment a while back that he thought "I was stuck in the moment of losing them." I admitted that I was stuck in that moment because that's where I was comfortable and that's where I felt closest to them. I miss that moment sometimes. I even miss that pain. As odd as that sounds, it's hard to move forward without them.


I have a couple of special necklaces that were given to me in honor of Lila & Cole and I always try to wear one of those or my March of Dimes bracelet everyday. As I laid there thinking yesterday, I remembered that I had worn my bracelet on Tuesday so I know that, if even for a moment, I did in fact think of my babies.


And I carried them in my heart and on my wrist that day.

It's our Blogiversary!

One year ago today marked our very first blog post. I have said this a hundred times but I still can't believe how much life has changed in a year!

I'm so glad that we started this blog. It has blessed us so much and this year would had been insufficient without it. We've had the opportunity to document our lives with our twins and we've had the incredible support of so many people because of it.

I'm happy to be in a place where I wish to continue blogging. We started this to form a line of communication for family and friends but looking back, I think it ended up benefiting me more than anything. This is a place where I can be myself and sort out my feelings, all the while letting everyone else in on what's going on. Not to mention that I have Lila & Cole's lifetime of memories right on these pages and that in itself is Priceless.

I want to address everyone who complements my writing. That is hilarious to me that anyone would think I'm a good writer! I feel so un-eloquent with my words sometimes, but I'm learning. I also feel like I have such a hard time forming my thoughts into words during a conversation but, I guess when I can sit down for an hour and really think about what I want to say, it comes out a little smoother. Either way, that is a huge complement to me and something I had never considered as a strength in myself, so....Thank You Very Much!

I just finished reading "The Shack". I want to recommend this book to anyone who has ever lost someone they loved. The basis of the book is about a man whose daughter was murdered and he has a conversation with God about why it happened. I had always known that God didn't cause bad things to happen. I guess I just thought that He didn't necessarily prevent them either. This book sort of clarified that for me. Within the whole book, it was two paragraphs that really hit me. Hard. God tells this man that He didn't need his daughter to die to fulfill his purpose. He could do that regardless. Because He is God. What He does do, is find a way to be glorified in the tragedy. He also tells this man that his daughter was his joy. And that was purpose enough for her.

I have struggled so much with having to validate Lila & Cole's lives. I felt like I had to do that for them because they couldn't do it for themselves. But they are our joy. And maybe that was purpose enough for them. Maybe to validate their lives is to make their mommy & daddy feel better. And maybe that's ok too.

All things work together for good to those who love the Lord...Romans 8:28

Grieving 101

I have been thinking alot about this grieving process. I have lost loved ones before, but I have never grieved before as I have now. Not to this extent.

I don't want to belittle the relationships that I've had with my grandparents and my uncles and others who have passed away. Those were a lifetime worth of relationships. I only knew my babies for a fraction of that time. But, somehow, the loss was ten times greater.

I can imagine that those previous losses must had impacted others the same way that I feel now. If I had only known...

If I had known what that feeling was like, I could have been a better support to them. I don't think it's possible to grasp that feeling until you've experienced it yourself. That's why I think it's so important to see this as a gift. We now have a unique glimpse into a process that so many other people will experience and maybe that means we can help pave the way for them to begin their own journey of grief.

If I may, which I know I can because this is my blog and I can do what I want, Ha!, I would like to share some things that helped us and continue to help along the way.

-The day we came home from the hospital, we immediately received a flower delivery. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that this would happen, but, it hadn't. I was immediately panicked and didn't want to look at it because people received flowers for funerals and I was in denial that I was going to plan a funeral for my babies. Steve, however, needed that reassurance that people were trying to reach out to us even if they didn't quite know how. That was enough for him. People didn't have to call us directly or come by (we didn't really want to have direct contact with people for the first couple days anyway but it was wonderful to know you had contacted or saw our parents) so the cards and flowers were enough. After a day, I came to appreciate the flowers as well and I looked forward to receiving them. I also want to note that I received a bouquet of two dozen lavendar roses and, in all my life, those were the most beautiful flowers I had ever seen. If ever in doubt of what to send, send those.

-Cards, Cards, Cards. After the first week had passed, the highlight of my day was going to the mailbox and finding cards. I know I have already told several people this, but, I never realized the importance of that gesture until I was in a position to need it. We received at least one card every day for a full month. Wow. To everyone who battled with sending a card and finally gave in, even if it was several weeks or even a month later, that was God. I have no doubt in my mind. God knew we would need those cards not all at once, but spaced out, just to keep us going. Many people want to show their condolences right away and that is wonderful. It is just as wonderful to receive condolences a month or two later after the dust has settled. Even now we receive "follow up" cards and we cherish those. It lets us know our chidren are not forgotten.

-Several people would call and say "Let me know if you need anything" or "Call when you feel like getting together".

I want to stop right here and handle this very carefully. I don't want to discount anyone's intentions with these statements. I have said these same things many times myself and meant it with all my heart. I just want to let you know what I learned from my own grief.

We didn't know what we needed. We were numb. And the last thing we wanted to do was ask anyone for anything. My sweet friend, Candice, handled this situation better than I could have imagined. Candice had lost a baby to miscarriage just a couple months after our ectopic so I know that we have a kindred spirit by being broken mothers. After the first couple weeks, she called me every Friday and told me that she was coming to get me to take me to lunch. She made it a point to do this every week for quite some time. If she would had asked me up front, I probably would had said no. But she shoved her way in and I am so glad she did. I want to note that we are close enough of friends that she felt she could do that. That might not work for everyone. But I learned from that experience that sometimes you have to force yourself in or you will be left out. There were more people who did ask me and I did say no. However, they didn't quit asking. And that's the key. I might not had felt like it at that time, but there did come a time when I did and I'm glad that I didn't have to initiate it.

-Grieving is exhausting. This is a little bit of an extension of the last point. I didn't feel like getting up out of bed, much less planning a lunch date. I relied heavily on my mom and my mother-in-love to schedule and take me to follow up doctor appointments. They both handled taking down the nursery and returning the items to the baby store. They helped us handle the funeral arrangements and all the paperwork that went with it. They cleaned our house and did our laundry. We even had people offer to cut our grass. Those are all things that needed to be done but we were too depressed to do it ourselves and we would never dare ask anyone to do it for us. Those are things that you can do for people if you feel comfortable.

-Meals. Many people don't feel like eating in a crisis. I am not one of those people. Eating was one of the only "normal" things I could in my routine, so I did. However, the last thing we wanted to do was cook. Going out was not even an option either. That would require getting out of pajamas and putting makeup on and that was Not going to happen. Some people would take meals to our parents house and they would then bring it to us. That worked out great because it meant we had what we needed but we didn't have to entertain people. I had read about a girl who had a meal rotation with a group of girls in her Sunday School class. They were all about my age and all having babies. They decided that when ever one of them had a baby, they would all take turns making meals and every night (for several weeks)at an assigned time, they would drop the food on the front porch, ring the doorbell, then get back in the car and leave. That way, the new mom didn't have to make herself presentable or drop what she was doing with the baby and entertain someone for even a few minutes. When I heard that, I thought it was a wonderful idea (for anyone in a rough patch) and I hope to be able to do that for someone one day.

I have so many other things I could add but I feel this post is long enough. I will save them for another time. So many people have said they had no idea what to do for us. And I had no idea how to handle someone in this situation either. I hope some of these suggestions help and even validate the things that were done. We couldn't have made it through those first few months without help and we are so grateful to have had it. As you can see, every little thing became a part of the big picture to carry us through. From sending a card to doing our laundry, every little gesture meant so much and deserves to be recognized.


We are truly blessed...

A New Year

To sit down today and try to reflect on this past year is just impossible. I still can't wrap my mind around it. What seems like a blink of the eye has actually encompassed an entire year. And the last day of the year is still a day of loss for us.

It was this very day, four years ago, that we learned our lives would never be the same. On December 31, 2005 we learned that the baby we had longed so much for, was in fact an ectopic pregnancy and thus began the emotional rollercoaster of us trying to start a family. The difference between now and then is that, at that time, I tried to keep it a secret.

I found out I was pregnant just a couple weeks before Christmas. We immediately knew that we wouldn't dare say anything until Christmas day and that it would be the best surprise ever. Steve and I had one glorious day to celebrate and then we learned there was a problem. Even then, we tried to deal with it alone, so as not to upset anyone with bad news. I went to the doctor numerous times alone, each visit hearing them tell me I was probably losing my baby. I had hit my breaking point and we finally told our parents because it was too much to bear alone.

After I was treated for the ectopic, we decided to go ahead and let everyone else know what had happened. It was during that time that I realized we had made a mistake by not telling everyone up front. It was harder to tell that story after it was over. We didn't have the support during the time we needed it most. I vowed never to do that again.

And that brings us here. An entire twisted, wonderful, anxious, horrible, blessed year has gone by. And we didn't go through a second of it alone. I can't find the words adequate enough to express how much you all have meant to us this year. Can you imagine if we tried to travel this journey alone? Thank you for not allowing that to happen. Thank you for being there for the good and the bad. Thank you for bearing your souls to us as we have to you. Thank you for letting our family become a part of yours.

As the New Year approaches, I don't feel like making resolutions. Rather, I would like to implement the things that I've learned this past year and just try to help other people. I don't want an experience like this to go to waste. I do want to have hope and trust God has a plan for us this year.

We are going to continue on our path to have more children. I think that the doctors have made it clear that it is safe to do so and I think that we have resolved in our minds that we would like to try again. We are not going to seek medical intervention at this time. Maybe being pregnant has helped "fix" whatever seemed to be broken. Regardless, we trust that God can allow us to get pregnant with or without medicine and we are going to pray that He would show us His timing and what His plan will be for us.

I hope that we will continue to have your support as we continue our journey. I hope that this time next year, this New Years Eve post will have a totally different tone. After all, alot can happen in a year............

"Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride"

Christmas in Heaven

Today is Christmas Eve and the tears started as soon as my feet hit the floor. I don't want it to be Christmas if they can't be here.

I have tried distracting myself with shopping, wrapping and cooking but it was inevitable I guess. And it's not even that this should be the end of it. Christmas may had seemed like it was the last milestone for making plans, but I already had thoughts reeling in my head of what I would do for their first birthday party. I had already pictured in my head our baby dedication at church. I pictured Easter outfits and Halloween costumes. It's neverending. But somehow, with Christmas here, it just seems so final.

The thing that is most hard for me to grasp is that I still wake up some days and feel like none of this ever happened. I mean, how could something like this happen to anyone? And it's not that I feel like I'm in denial. I feel like I'm a million miles away from acceptance.

I know that I had trouble this year even thinking of something to put on my Christmas list. But whether I got to keep them or bury them, My children were still the greatest gift of all and I would do it all over again if given the chance. You see, even through the pain there is joy. Through the sadness, there were smiles. These are our children and they were beautiful and I am just so proud of them.

I tried to picture this morning what Christmas is like in Heaven. Do they have a gigantic birthday party with presents and cake? Do they play games with the children and sing Happy Birthday Jesus? I hope they do. I hope that Christmas is the biggest day of the year in Heaven and I'm glad that the first birthday my babies get to celebrate is Jesus'.

A letter to my babies

Dear Lila & Cole,

Today is the day the doctor said you would be born. We would have never imagined, that exactly four months ago today, you would have already made your way into the world. We also never would have imagined that you would have left it as quickly as you came.

It is so bittersweet, but yet amazing, the difference your lives have made on us and the people surrounding us. Even people we don’t know. God has let so many people cross our paths that have shared this same grief and that have allowed us to tell your story. Not very many days go by without us having the pleasure of speaking your names. Just to say those words aloud, it breathes life back into me. It has always been our goal to see to it that your lives had purpose. That the world will be a better place because you were here. We believe that we are already seeing that happen.

Do you know how many people pray for mommy and daddy every day? Do you know that you have a tree planted in your honor that others can use to honor people they love? Can you see all the donations that have been made in memory of you? Did you see all the gifts and cards people sent for you because they loved you so much, even without ever getting to meet you? Do you see the people that mommy and daddy try to help because of our love for you?

Even as I write this, a song we love that reminds us of you is playing on the radio. I believe that God holds us as much as He holds you. He has blessed us with new friends and new experiences that we would have never known had you not been born. He has renewed our faith in a situation where all faith could be lost. He has given us peace at times where we could have completely lost it. He has shown us grace and allowed us to show it to others instead of being in a place of hurt. There is such a sense of awareness now where before, we were wrapped up in our own selves. I hate that it took a heartbreaking experience to bring these things to fruition, but I’m glad that we've embraced the good that can come of this instead of making it for nothing.

We hope there are holes in the floor of Heaven where you can look in on us from time to time. We hope that you can look past the hurt that we have, the hurt you will never know, and be proud of the things we are doing now. We are not perfect people but we do have a perfect love for you. One that will never know disappointment and regret. A love so pure that it will never be tainted with the pain of this world. A perfect love that will survive this lifetime and carry us into eternity.

I'm not going to try to fit a lifetime of words into one letter. This is just where we are today. I talk to you most days and tell you things I want you to know. I probably always will. That is the relationship we have and I will cherish that.

Countless tears have been shed from me and daddy because we ache so much without you here. I hope that those tears are like angel kisses on your sweet cheeks. I hope that you can feel that love though you are so far away.

Save a spot for us, sweet babies. We'll be home soon.

Love,
Mommy & Daddy