Tiny white box

I parked my car and began to walk down the hill of freshly cut grass as I always do the last Wednesday of every month. I intertwine between the bunches of flowers as I step so carefully around each precious name. I look for mom and other familiar faces as they have already began to pray. And as I made my way into the sacred circle of broken mothers, that's when I saw it. A tiny white box.

I gasped. The heat already made it hard to breathe. There was no separation between our sweat and tears. But this gasp was not because of that. It was because of a memory, an emotion, that I wasn't prepared to revisit. I then looked to my right and saw another trigger. It was the woman who last held my children.

I grieve for Lila and Cole everyday. Going to the cemetery once a month for the blessing of the babies is not something that I do so that I can cry and be sad. A lot of times I don't cry. I go to honor them. Because I'm their Mom and that's one of the only things I can do for them. I go to tend their grave and talk to them and visit with new friends that I've had the unfortunate opportunity to meet.

With each new friend I hear a different story. It's heartbreaking how many different ways there are to lose a child. I've recently made a new friend that ironically I've known my whole life. Relatives made us acquaintances-Our babies made us friends. I hear her talk about her son who is still swimming inside her, safely tucked away from our world. The doctors think he can't survive here. Our faith thinks something different.

I cherish these new friendships and the insight into this world that I never knew existed. But I still can't understand why we're here. Why do we all have to know each other? Out of the mouth of a child from this woman's blog I have to ask myself the same question........

"Why do little babies end up in boxes?"

As we made our way to each of our children's graves, we finally came to the tiny white box. We said a prayer while his sister searched for the perfect blue flower to hold. I can't help but think "how can your whole world fit into something so small?". His parents drove away but I linger, just as someone lingered for us. Waiting to make sure he's safe and sound in his new resting place.

Everyone had left and I was alone with my children. I admire the lovely flowers left by their Grammi. They are always surrounded with so much love.

That night I looked at a picture of my little Lila.

I realize, my world fits into something that small.

Mother's Day

March for Babies Recap

We had our March for Babies walk on Saturday and we had the best time!


We were greeted with beautiful weather and a great turnout. The walk has really grown since I participated the year before last. They had a much larger group of walkers and so many activities for everyone.


And now I can finally reveal our tshirt design......


We didn't come in first but I believe we were a very close second. The winner was a toddler who scribbled on a shirt and, well, you really can't beat that. But we got a great response from other people at the walk so I think we did a great job!


I was so proud to be a part of this and so amazed at the support we received from our family, friends and people we don't even know.



Our grand total of donations ended up at $1670.00!!! If we add that to the total from the virtual band that was set up on this blog for the March of Dimes right after Lila & Cole were born then altogether we've raised $1995.00 (only $5 away from our goal of $2000!!!)


I just can't say enough how important this cause is for us. We truly do hope that one day all babies will born full term and healthy and we are proud that our children are a part of making that happen.

And now,

so are all of you.

March for Babies update

***UPDATE***

I haven't been able to enter it all into the site yet, but we have hit the $1000 mark already this morning!

WooHoo!

Let's keep it up!!!!


Original Post:

It's the last week before the walk and I am so excited that we have raised over $900 so far for the March of Dimes! Let's see if we can get to $1000 by the end of the week.

I will be turning in the donations I have collected so far on Thursday to the March of Dimes office so if you want to send me a last minute donation then please do so now or you may donate online on our website at www.marchforbabies.org/team/teamyager.

Also, if you have ordered a tshirt then please call or email me this week so I can get it to you by this weekend. Anyone who cannot meet up with me before this Saturday will receive their shirt at the walk.

Thank you all for your support and I look forward to hitting that $1000 mark!

I'm Still Here....

I apologize if I've left anyone hanging but I've taken a much needed break from blogging. Sometimes you just need to be where you are without analyzing it too much.

So where am I now you ask? I'm a little all over the place so this post may seem the same way:)

I still miss my babies like crazy and I still question my faith everyday. I do feel like I had a breakthrough one night last week as I read a long awaited book that finally came out and it walked me through some emotions I hadn't visited in a while.

It also walked me through some conversations with God I hadn't had in a while. I think that was the nicest part about it. If you or someone you know has ever dealt with the death of a child, you have to read this book.

I'm trying really hard to balance work and my personal life. Sometimes there is no line drawn between the two. I'm focusing on keeping a strict schedule so that I don't overcommit or run myself into the ground. It's going pretty well but I still need to keep at it. I've realized that I am using work as a way to validate myself and justify my purpose. Part of me feels like I failed my family when I lost Lila & Cole and I use my work as a place to succeed. By doing this, I'm only setting myself up to fail again. Because at the end of the day, work is not what is most important. And my customer's opinion of me is not more valuable than my husband's.

Something exciting that happened this past weekend is that Steve and I became godparents!

We were so honored when we were asked to be Lucas' godparents and it is not a title that we will take lightly.

Lucas was born just a couple months after Lila & Cole were born and we were still very raw. I wasn't sure how I would feel when he got here and I was very nervous to face those emotions. I have to tell you that God prepared my heart and has used Lucas as a way to help us heal. As soon as we laid eyes on him, we instantly fell in love with him and I think Steve and I both feel a special bond that has helped fill a void in us. It's not so much that we feel that we've transferred our love for our children to him, but more that we feel a happiness and a hope when we're with him. And for two parents who buried their babies to feel that way about someone else's child I think is a big deal.


Sometimes I muddle through my day and feel so stuck in this "place" that we're in. We don't seem to moving forward in any direction in our lives. We still don't have a home. We don't know where we stand with my fertility and we just don't seem to be working towards anything. I wonder sometimes if God forgot about me.

Life was so fast paced this time last year and He seemed to appear everywhere to me. Now, He seems so far away. I guess He is sometimes because that's exactly where I put Him. But then I convict myself. Because I know better. And I'll pray and He will do some little thing to let me know, "I'm still here". Whether it be a cross in the clouds when I asked for a sign or by having a little girl by the name of "Lyla" be baptized on the same day as Lucas.

All it takes is for me to let Him know "I'm still here" and He reveals himself. Because He will never leave us or forsake us, even when we do it to Him.

Free Therapy

I finally got a chance to visit with my counselor last week for the first time in a couple months. I've been meaning to make an appointment but I let life get in the way. I didn't think I could afford the time to go. After I went I realized, I couldn't afford not to.

As you know, I had been struggling through this six month mark for awhile. Well something occurred last week that really hit me. Hard. My cousin, Deaven, had an accident 17 months ago and miraculously survived. However, he survived with a brain injury that tremendously altered his quality of life. The doctors didn't think he would survive the days after his accident but he did. There were several occasions where they didn't see hope for him but then he would pull through. I just knew in my heart, God had a plan for him. It wasn't his time yet. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that he would just wake up and be as he was.

Well last week, God decided that it was Deaven's time. I got to see him the day his feeding tube was removed. I told him I loved him and I longed to give him a message for my babies but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Because I didn't want to give up on a miracle. I was devastated. Overly devastated. I felt like I was overreacting. Deaven and I hadn't seen each other in years. We were closer as kids and even then we didn't see each other often. But then I realized, my heart was broken for his mother. I couldn't bear to see someone else bury their child.

Ironically, I had my counseling session scheduled for right in the middle of Deaven's funeral. I rescheduled for two days later and I poured my heart out and looked for answers. This is what I learned.

I learned that I just relived the process of planning a funeral for my kids. I learned that I prayed for a miracle for Deaven the same way I prayed for Lila & Cole. And I was disappointed both times. I learned that I cannot sit on God's lap right now but only sit right beside Him. Because I don't trust Him like I used to. And I learned that was ok. Because He will never leave us or forsake us. Even when we do it to Him.

I learned that I am the one putting the pressure on myself and I've got to tell Sara to "shut up!". If I keep setting the bar too high, I will continue to fail myself.

I learned that I carry this burden but it has softened my heart.

As easy as these things sound now, I couldn't put it together before. Maybe those are answers for someone else reading this too. And if it is, I won't charge you the $85:)

Struggling

I'm back! I know I've gone longer than I like between posts this time but it couldn't be avoided.

Just a couple months ago, I complained about not having enough work to do at my job. Well ask and you shall receive! I've been so overloaded that I've had to work the last few weekends and late nights for the past week and half. And there are no signs of slowing down.

I'm going to be real honest today. I am struggling. It has been six months now and I feel like I am just hitting a wall. I remember my counselor telling us in the beginning that people going through grief have set backs around 3,6,& 9 months. Three months I was still hurting so much I don't think it affected me as much but six months is kicking my butt.

I cry as I drive myself into work several times a week. I feel so overwhelmed by any task I have to complete. I get so down on myself because I'm just too exhausted to lose these last 10 pounds and I have to wear the same three outfits every week. I feel like I have nothing some days because we still don't have a house, I have all this work to do but I still am not closing very many sales which means I don't get a paycheck and I don't have my babies.

I do realize that there are many things to be thankful for. I'm so blessed to have parents that have welcomed us with open arms to live in their home until we find one. I have wonderful in-laws who send us cards and always remind us that our children are not forgotten and I have a wonderful husband who walks this path with me every single day.

But I guess that's what depression does to us. It only reminds us of the bad. I need reminders of the good. I feel like I'm losing my fight. I just really feel lost and I don't feel strong, I feel broken.

So what now? I know most of the times I can answer my own questions but this time I can't. I don't know what God's plan is for us. I wish so much I could look into the future so I can just start doing what I'm supposed to do. I wish I had a clear direction right now, but that's not the way it works.

So I guess we wait. And we grieve. And we try to pass on the giant snickerdoodle cookie before church so we can lose the 10 pounds.

And if you ask me, all of those options stink.