Friday, August 20, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
An Ugly Pair of Shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Heavy
Well it turns out the excitement is going to be short lived here. After careful consideration, I have decided to stop my meds and not go forward with IVF at this time.
It turns out that I have a freakish sensitivity to the medication that I am taking and it has sent me into a downward spiral that I am not willing to stay in. I've had about 8 of the 10 side effects that are listed and when I called the doctor to tell them about it, they were shocked. Most patients have zero side effects.
The main side effect that I'm concerned about is depression. While I don't feel like I'm in a "deep dark place" I do see that I am void of feeling anything. When you're in a place like that, it's hard to remember what you're fighting for.
With that being said, I don't think this is the right time for bringing a child into the equation. If I had known this would happen, I could have pumped myself up enough to work through it. This has really blindsided us and I think we need to take a step back and see what happens after this medicine runs out of my system. Then we can decide if we want to try again.
I thank you all so much for your support. We couldn't walk any of this road without it. I do ask you however to please not press us about this issue. I'm not really in a place where I want to talk about it further and I will let you know when I am.
In spite of all this "heaviness", we do have some positive news on the horizon. We have signed a contract to have a house built and they have already broken ground. Things are moving along smoothly so far and we are glad to be moving forward with this part of our future.
It turns out that I have a freakish sensitivity to the medication that I am taking and it has sent me into a downward spiral that I am not willing to stay in. I've had about 8 of the 10 side effects that are listed and when I called the doctor to tell them about it, they were shocked. Most patients have zero side effects.
The main side effect that I'm concerned about is depression. While I don't feel like I'm in a "deep dark place" I do see that I am void of feeling anything. When you're in a place like that, it's hard to remember what you're fighting for.
With that being said, I don't think this is the right time for bringing a child into the equation. If I had known this would happen, I could have pumped myself up enough to work through it. This has really blindsided us and I think we need to take a step back and see what happens after this medicine runs out of my system. Then we can decide if we want to try again.
I thank you all so much for your support. We couldn't walk any of this road without it. I do ask you however to please not press us about this issue. I'm not really in a place where I want to talk about it further and I will let you know when I am.
In spite of all this "heaviness", we do have some positive news on the horizon. We have signed a contract to have a house built and they have already broken ground. Things are moving along smoothly so far and we are glad to be moving forward with this part of our future.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Day 3
Well I got a letter in the mail today from the clinic requesting insurance approval for us to go through this cycle. I wasn't prepared to have to provide this information (I don't know why I wasn't) but I have to have a written consent in before the 6th so we can continue with the transfer.
Last time I think it took about two weeks for my consent to come in and this time I'll have to have it in one week! Please pray that we can get cooperation from the insurance company so we don't have to wait another month.
On a different note, I'm so sad to report that Baby Matthew passed away this afternoon. I still praise God for the miracle that he is because he exceeded all the doctor's expectations. His mother got to feed him, bathe him, change him and love on him for two days and that is more than she ever dreamed she would get. Please keep this family in your prayers as they face difficult days ahead. Pray that God would give them the grace to do what they have to do and pray that God will give peace to Matthew's big sister.
Last time I think it took about two weeks for my consent to come in and this time I'll have to have it in one week! Please pray that we can get cooperation from the insurance company so we don't have to wait another month.
On a different note, I'm so sad to report that Baby Matthew passed away this afternoon. I still praise God for the miracle that he is because he exceeded all the doctor's expectations. His mother got to feed him, bathe him, change him and love on him for two days and that is more than she ever dreamed she would get. Please keep this family in your prayers as they face difficult days ahead. Pray that God would give them the grace to do what they have to do and pray that God will give peace to Matthew's big sister.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Day 2-Details
***UPDATE***************************************************************
I am so happy to report that a miracle has occurred today!!! My friend Angie, that I asked for everyone to pray for, delivered baby Matthew this morning by c-section and he is alive and breathing on his own! We don't know all the details yet but we do know that the doctors never expected that his lungs would be developed and not only is he breathing but he cried when he born (they said he wouldn't do that either). Please continue to pray for Matthew. He is truly a living miracle!
************************************************************************************
I'm excited to give you the details as Steve and I begin this new journey to parenthood!
We have been trying to decide for a while now if this was a process we were comfortable with doing again. After Lila and Cole were born, our doctors told us to wait awhile and let my body heal before we tried again. That was fine with me. When we decided that we were in a place where we could think about being pregnant again, we just tried on our own. When many months had passed, I spoke to all three of my doctors and they all agreed that we should try IVF again.
Fortunately we have some embryos frozen from our last IVF attempt so we don't have to go through near the extreme that we did before. Specifically...no more shots!
This cycle will only consist of oral medication, an ultrasound and some bloodwork. That's it:) I'm scheduled to go on July 6th for my ultrasound and then maybe the embryo transfer will be on the 12th. And then we'll have another two week wait to see if it worked.
We are very excited to take this step forward to grow our family and we are so appreciate of the excitement we've already received from others. Support is the best and most important gift for us as we walk this road again and we are so lucky to be able to receive it from so many people!
I would like to end this post with a prayer request for my friend, Angie. Today she will have to deliver her son, Matthew, whom the doctors say will not survive after he is born. Angie has carried Matthew full term and was asked to abort him on more than one occasion as they thought he might not even survive in the womb. They told her that she might not be able to carry him past 31 weeks. But we've prayed for a miracle and not only has she carried him well past 31 weeks...he is still alive.
She has asked us to pray that she will be able to have time with Matthew before he goes to Heaven. She also asked that we pray for her three year old daughter as she doesn't comprehend why her brother can't stay here with her. If you are reading this blog then you will remember walking this road with us before and how very difficult it will be for Angie. I'm sure she will appreciate prayers from people who know how this feels.
I am so happy to report that a miracle has occurred today!!! My friend Angie, that I asked for everyone to pray for, delivered baby Matthew this morning by c-section and he is alive and breathing on his own! We don't know all the details yet but we do know that the doctors never expected that his lungs would be developed and not only is he breathing but he cried when he born (they said he wouldn't do that either). Please continue to pray for Matthew. He is truly a living miracle!
************************************************************************************
I'm excited to give you the details as Steve and I begin this new journey to parenthood!
We have been trying to decide for a while now if this was a process we were comfortable with doing again. After Lila and Cole were born, our doctors told us to wait awhile and let my body heal before we tried again. That was fine with me. When we decided that we were in a place where we could think about being pregnant again, we just tried on our own. When many months had passed, I spoke to all three of my doctors and they all agreed that we should try IVF again.
Fortunately we have some embryos frozen from our last IVF attempt so we don't have to go through near the extreme that we did before. Specifically...no more shots!
This cycle will only consist of oral medication, an ultrasound and some bloodwork. That's it:) I'm scheduled to go on July 6th for my ultrasound and then maybe the embryo transfer will be on the 12th. And then we'll have another two week wait to see if it worked.
We are very excited to take this step forward to grow our family and we are so appreciate of the excitement we've already received from others. Support is the best and most important gift for us as we walk this road again and we are so lucky to be able to receive it from so many people!
I would like to end this post with a prayer request for my friend, Angie. Today she will have to deliver her son, Matthew, whom the doctors say will not survive after he is born. Angie has carried Matthew full term and was asked to abort him on more than one occasion as they thought he might not even survive in the womb. They told her that she might not be able to carry him past 31 weeks. But we've prayed for a miracle and not only has she carried him well past 31 weeks...he is still alive.
She has asked us to pray that she will be able to have time with Matthew before he goes to Heaven. She also asked that we pray for her three year old daughter as she doesn't comprehend why her brother can't stay here with her. If you are reading this blog then you will remember walking this road with us before and how very difficult it will be for Angie. I'm sure she will appreciate prayers from people who know how this feels.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tiny white box
I parked my car and began to walk down the hill of freshly cut grass as I always do the last Wednesday of every month. I intertwine between the bunches of flowers as I step so carefully around each precious name. I look for mom and other familiar faces as they have already began to pray. And as I made my way into the sacred circle of broken mothers, that's when I saw it. A tiny white box.
I gasped. The heat already made it hard to breathe. There was no separation between our sweat and tears. But this gasp was not because of that. It was because of a memory, an emotion, that I wasn't prepared to revisit. I then looked to my right and saw another trigger. It was the woman who last held my children.
I grieve for Lila and Cole everyday. Going to the cemetery once a month for the blessing of the babies is not something that I do so that I can cry and be sad. A lot of times I don't cry. I go to honor them. Because I'm their Mom and that's one of the only things I can do for them. I go to tend their grave and talk to them and visit with new friends that I've had the unfortunate opportunity to meet.
With each new friend I hear a different story. It's heartbreaking how many different ways there are to lose a child. I've recently made a new friend that ironically I've known my whole life. Relatives made us acquaintances-Our babies made us friends. I hear her talk about her son who is still swimming inside her, safely tucked away from our world. The doctors think he can't survive here. Our faith thinks something different.
I cherish these new friendships and the insight into this world that I never knew existed. But I still can't understand why we're here. Why do we all have to know each other? Out of the mouth of a child from this woman's blog I have to ask myself the same question........
"Why do little babies end up in boxes?"
As we made our way to each of our children's graves, we finally came to the tiny white box. We said a prayer while his sister searched for the perfect blue flower to hold. I can't help but think "how can your whole world fit into something so small?". His parents drove away but I linger, just as someone lingered for us. Waiting to make sure he's safe and sound in his new resting place.
Everyone had left and I was alone with my children. I admire the lovely flowers left by their Grammi. They are always surrounded with so much love.
That night I looked at a picture of my little Lila.
I realize, my world fits into something that small.
I gasped. The heat already made it hard to breathe. There was no separation between our sweat and tears. But this gasp was not because of that. It was because of a memory, an emotion, that I wasn't prepared to revisit. I then looked to my right and saw another trigger. It was the woman who last held my children.
I grieve for Lila and Cole everyday. Going to the cemetery once a month for the blessing of the babies is not something that I do so that I can cry and be sad. A lot of times I don't cry. I go to honor them. Because I'm their Mom and that's one of the only things I can do for them. I go to tend their grave and talk to them and visit with new friends that I've had the unfortunate opportunity to meet.
With each new friend I hear a different story. It's heartbreaking how many different ways there are to lose a child. I've recently made a new friend that ironically I've known my whole life. Relatives made us acquaintances-Our babies made us friends. I hear her talk about her son who is still swimming inside her, safely tucked away from our world. The doctors think he can't survive here. Our faith thinks something different.
I cherish these new friendships and the insight into this world that I never knew existed. But I still can't understand why we're here. Why do we all have to know each other? Out of the mouth of a child from this woman's blog I have to ask myself the same question........
"Why do little babies end up in boxes?"
As we made our way to each of our children's graves, we finally came to the tiny white box. We said a prayer while his sister searched for the perfect blue flower to hold. I can't help but think "how can your whole world fit into something so small?". His parents drove away but I linger, just as someone lingered for us. Waiting to make sure he's safe and sound in his new resting place.
Everyone had left and I was alone with my children. I admire the lovely flowers left by their Grammi. They are always surrounded with so much love.
That night I looked at a picture of my little Lila.
I realize, my world fits into something that small.
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